Written...

It just came back to me, one of my professors told me (while i was back in Essex), that only lonely people write. I'm writing about it now because it crossed my mind again....obviously. It's kind of funny, it was only like a year ago since I heard it and I still haven't found the answer to whether this is true or not.

I mean I kind of want to agree.. but at the same time I don't want to admit I'm lonely just because I write in here. That's the problem sometimes, I went through all my old entries and I noticed, I would write about things I could never normally bring up in a casual conversation. Maybe I like to write in here because no one else would listen? Technically that doesn't make me lonely...but it leaves me alone. Sometimes most people don't share the same interests, if I talked about everything I wanted to I'd probably bore you to death with my sustainability and environment talk.

I don't know, I don't like to admit I'm a lonely person, but at the same time... I'm writing in here because I don't have anyone to talk to and it's not like I'm emo and I need someone to talk me out of cleaning out orange bottles. No I just need to talk to someone just to have a conversation, like I don't stop thinking about things and I love having conversation. It's just, I don't get enough of it. I always feel like I need some kind of mental stimulation without having to read hundreds of pages, without taking gratuitous amounts of drugs, or without entering in a state of inebriation. I'm the kind of person that prefers his fun... sober without effort.

Oh yeah but wait, this is college.

Happy Monday's

How unlikely and uncommon. How does one escape the drag of a Monday? I woke up today at 7:11 this morning and rolled around in bed until 7:46. I catch the bus at 7:55 so that I'm on time for my 8:30 Enviro. Geo. Lab. I couldn't make it though so I had to wait for the 8:12 bus, thus making me arrive at my lab at 8:38...2 minutes before the first day of Enviro. Geo. Lab ends. Talk about close calls.

I was hoping to catch the 7:55 bus this morning, but I have a serious case of the lazies, Aka Sloth. Yes like always, my never ending relationship with this woman will most likely never cease to exist. Like mentioned before, it's a love/hate thing that no one likes to be intertwined with (but you know to our misfortune, we all are). I mean yeah I did wake up at 7:11 this morning, but it felt so good just to lay in her arms for the 35 minutes that I did. She's so inviting, warm, loving, and always there when I need her. That's also the problem, She's always there! Sometimes things need to happen and things need to get done. I can't have her get in the way all the time. What a constant reminder on how the best things are probably the most worst for you (as far as your well being goes). But you know, sometimes I just have to get over it, get over "her", get over myself, and "carpe diem".

Hah, "carpe diem", I'm not usually the one who lives by quotes (or at least I don't like to listen to them). I mean it kind of bothers me to live by someone else's words. Even if they are very true and... very true. I don't know, it feels like an itch that you can't scratch, I mean it bothers me but there's not much I can do about it only because it's all true. Maybe it's my way of trying to be myself I guess (or even trying to prevent something or something? eh...). On the other hand, I probably won't learn anything if I don't stay open minded and learn what I can by others. Cause' at the same time, I still believe everyone has something to contribute.

Contradictions Contradictions... I'll never win this game.

Oh yeah, more brilliant idea's below

Genius

You know sometimes commercials are so smart it just makes you want to go out and buy their product.



Oh and here's one from Ikea, the place I just hate so much. Don't let the blue and yellow color scheme deceive you. Cause' that's all it is, a scheme.



And the foreign ones are the best.



Okay so now to write something...

So today happens to be the last day of winter break. To review, I don't think I learned much, or did much at that matter. I just know I'm getting older and I'm turning 22 this year. That's all I really could think of....

Perseverance and Endurance

Hillsong United - Never Let Me Go
I always used to listen to this song in the library while I was studying inbetween classes. One of the rare times I was able to feel at peace.

I strayed away on purpose. I strayed away because I'm dying to know how far I can take everything I've learned and everything I've had with me. I wanted to know how much endurance I have. How strong my heart is and how long I can keep it close, no matter how far I get. I feel so distant now. What used to feel like a very close presence and warmth, now feels like a distant stretch. I feel cold most of the time and I don't feel that close anymore. Maybe I've strayed too far? Or maybe I've just gotten so far, the feeling of doubt and dispair are starting to become stronger?

But I've already gotten this far, I can keep going. There is nothing I can't handle as long as I keep God with me. I did say I wanted to see how far I could get.

I feel so alone though. I've ended up in a place where I'm not surrounded by the people who know just about everything I know or seen everything I've seen. I stick out and I feel out of place. I just want to know, if I can survive. Maybe even show others some of the things I've witnessed...maybe. I hope I do okay, I pray I get through this. I pray that I find my place outside of the world I know. And hopefully someday, I'll be able to find comfort and peace everywhere I go.

As long as I have God with me, I'll be fine.

Murder

I wanted to write and that's probably the first word that came to mind. Why? I don't know I can be a bit morbid sometimes. It's also a popular gamer tag only spelled more retardedly featuring zeros and maybe an M that looks more like |V|. 'Cause you know, regular letters don't suit the most 1337 gamers of our days.

Damn, I did not just talk about that. I'm really trying to stray away from video games. It's really the one thing that consumes most of my free time. Why? Because I'm bored. During the semester I play video games to relieve stress. Other than that I never really said I enjoyed playing them. Well I do...to an extent. I guess when the use of video games becomes meaningless making my collection of computer games and my high powered computer become...well meaningless. Eh not really there's still the internet and the rest of the world.

So after my high-powered, face-melting, leveling-up. I've spent the last three days trying to investigate on the what's up with today's gadgets at the CES '09 show. I'm finally coming out with it, I'm a techie. Or a tech junkie if you will. I like little electronics that will be outdated in the next 2 months. I spent like the past three days looking up things like cell phones with projectors on them and a new enviornmentally friendly material called bioplastic which companies maybe implementing in our gadgets soon. I guess I just really like knowing how people can create such useful/useless things with these simple ideas or with practical needs in mind.

OooOo maybe someday I could be one of those people. Create something cool and useful for the masses. I'd name it M.A.R.V. the Multi Audible Radio Voice or Marking Air Reclaimation Vehicle. What would it do? I have no hell of an idea, it just made for a nice witty acronym based on the first 4 letters of my name. I don't know, I lack the skills to create cool gadgets for people to use. All the meanwhile having the skill to make a witty acronym.

I suck....haha

Searching

Yes, searching for something to read. Not just anything however, more like something written by my peer's undergoing similar transitions in their lives. That's right, transitions into adulthood. Right now at this very moment I'm dreading the 2 week countdown i have until school starts again. All the meanwhile totally forgetting the fact that i'm at the "adult's age".

It's just the fact that things happen so fast. It makes it feel like you need 5 years to take a breath, but within those 5 years so many things happen. You just didn't take note because you were still taking that necessary breath. I wish I could just stop thinking for an hour and get away from absolutely everything and just relax. Who knew it would happen so quickly, but apparently my 2 friends have been dating for quite awhile, yet it feels like they've been dating for only a day.

I think one of my greatest fears is that one day I'll turn 40 and look back at my life only to say "What did I miss?". What a shame that would be. You know, on this blogging tool, I talked a lot about how much potential I have and aspiring to become better than who I was 10 minutes ago. While 10 minutes ago, I was thinking about how one of my most favorite hobbies was destroyed. It's the worst feeling in the world actually. It almost feels so hopeless when I think about it, and instead of saying "I can be better". I'm sitting here saying "I was one of the best". I always wondered what would happen if I still kept with it. If I really did stick with it for 11(or 12) years, I wonder how good I could be.... I should pick it up again.

---

On the other hand, I love how I'm a walking contradiction most of the time. And I'm not being sarcastic either. I love it, I love being able to see from both sides of every story. It give's me an advantage, helps me understand the other person as well as understanding my position in the situation. I also hate it though, I hate it because no one ever understands my point of view, or the way I see things.

To think of it, no one really knows how deep I could be.

I think I do it to myself though, I make myself hard to understand just to see if anyone's willing to dig deep enough to...understand. So in the end, I guess I'm just the one to blame for the giant misunderstanding of things. It's really my fault that I'm left with... myself and all the problems that come free with me. This is probably why I feel like I fail myself all the time.

With that said, I'll never really figure out how I deal with myself. Maybe I like being different and hard to understand. Maybe I'll get lucky enough to find someone who will dig that deep.

It's 2009, I think I'm gonna have to wait this one out.

We Need a Resolution

By Aaliyah feat. Timbaland

That actually is one of my favorite songs.

But anyway, to be honest I haven't made a New Year's resolution in years. As far as the past goes I've known myself to break a lot of promises and through that experience I knew enough about myself to know that it's hard to guarantee something and keep to my promises to myself and whomever. That's why I rarely promise things and if I do, then that was pretty stupid of me or I am almost certain that I/you got this.

Aaliyah's cool... R.I.P. I miss her music.

So in the end, I'll just let you know, I don't intend on having a New Year's resolution. Life tends to have many trap doors anyway.

Onto 2009...

I feel like there has been so many doors opened to me in the close of last year. Pretty much all of my fall semester has been trying new things and finding my place in this world of strangers. Now I feel like Spring 2009 is the one that's really going to point me in the direction that starts the rest of my adult life. There's just too much going on for me and I know I can handle it as long as I got God with me. I can handle anything and if ever anything knocks me down, I'll make sure I step on that shit on my way back up. All because I got this and, like always, nothing will get in my way.

I don't know... Remember, Life's got it's surprises anyway. So I'm going to let it surprise me.

2009 feels like it's going to be fun.