Searching

Yes, searching for something to read. Not just anything however, more like something written by my peer's undergoing similar transitions in their lives. That's right, transitions into adulthood. Right now at this very moment I'm dreading the 2 week countdown i have until school starts again. All the meanwhile totally forgetting the fact that i'm at the "adult's age".

It's just the fact that things happen so fast. It makes it feel like you need 5 years to take a breath, but within those 5 years so many things happen. You just didn't take note because you were still taking that necessary breath. I wish I could just stop thinking for an hour and get away from absolutely everything and just relax. Who knew it would happen so quickly, but apparently my 2 friends have been dating for quite awhile, yet it feels like they've been dating for only a day.

I think one of my greatest fears is that one day I'll turn 40 and look back at my life only to say "What did I miss?". What a shame that would be. You know, on this blogging tool, I talked a lot about how much potential I have and aspiring to become better than who I was 10 minutes ago. While 10 minutes ago, I was thinking about how one of my most favorite hobbies was destroyed. It's the worst feeling in the world actually. It almost feels so hopeless when I think about it, and instead of saying "I can be better". I'm sitting here saying "I was one of the best". I always wondered what would happen if I still kept with it. If I really did stick with it for 11(or 12) years, I wonder how good I could be.... I should pick it up again.

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On the other hand, I love how I'm a walking contradiction most of the time. And I'm not being sarcastic either. I love it, I love being able to see from both sides of every story. It give's me an advantage, helps me understand the other person as well as understanding my position in the situation. I also hate it though, I hate it because no one ever understands my point of view, or the way I see things.

To think of it, no one really knows how deep I could be.

I think I do it to myself though, I make myself hard to understand just to see if anyone's willing to dig deep enough to...understand. So in the end, I guess I'm just the one to blame for the giant misunderstanding of things. It's really my fault that I'm left with... myself and all the problems that come free with me. This is probably why I feel like I fail myself all the time.

With that said, I'll never really figure out how I deal with myself. Maybe I like being different and hard to understand. Maybe I'll get lucky enough to find someone who will dig that deep.

It's 2009, I think I'm gonna have to wait this one out.