Who knew 'Ouch' would feel good for once? I certainly didn't, it's almost as if, once you stop asking for the things you want. You start to get the things you need.
I'm feeling very optimistic about the next 6 months of my life. However, It's probably going to be the most hectic 6 months I've ever seen on this side of the Earth. Hopefully I did well enough last semester to land the spot.
Hopefully...
God's been so good to me.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Here it comes...
So, a couple hours ago I was ranting about how lazy I was. Well, not so much anymore. It seems as if in a matter of hours, goals are created and a new vision for at least the next three months has been set. The work ethic is back, the drive is back, and more importantly the motivation is back. Like I have always been saying "I really need to apply myself.". I feel like I can go back to that now. I'm capable of so many things. I don't even know or understand why I let myself get so idle.
I guess it only goes back to my one and only true enemy, the bitch I love to hate but still sleep with at night, her name is Sloth. It's really an unfair affair, I mean she just has so much power over me, what she has to offer is just so appealing. Oh, and I love to indulge and just lie in her presence forever. She's so sweet to me sometimes... OK more like all the time. The light touch of her lips, just makes everything disappear. And all the noise, all gone. It feels good to forget, it feels good to get away, and it most definitely feels good to give in.
Or am I just giving in because she feels so good? I guess I'm not as defiant as I used to be.
Stupid Bitch......
So what happens, theoretically, if I let her take advantage of me. If I indulged on purpose just to take some sort of mental vacation. The truth is, college is depressing, life is depressing, and freakin' this whole world's pretty depressing. Sometimes it's so easy to lose goals, especially when everything around you is going wrong. And apparently, the only way to escape it is to fall in love with someone and just lay with him or her forever ( it doesn't even have to be someone, it could be sloth for example). It's not easy being alone, it's so easy to be discouraged, knowing that you stand against everything, all by yourself. Sometimes I like to say I've gotten used to it.
And I have, except I wasn't really alone when I realized it. "I can do all things through the Lord who gives me strength.". I'll tell you that, I'm freaking awesome because of this quote. It's gotten me so far in life and it's taking me great distances to bed, bath, and beyond. It's kind of scary, but I think about it every morning. It's actually one of the first things I think about. I don't have much to say except, I don't think I could live without it (the quote), or Him at that matter.
Well, whatever. I need to sleep I have a presentation tomorrow as well as a lot of other things to think about. Yeah, that's a lie, I don't think I just do. Or at least, I like to think I do.
Either way, I probably won't write in this for awhile.
I guess it only goes back to my one and only true enemy, the bitch I love to hate but still sleep with at night, her name is Sloth. It's really an unfair affair, I mean she just has so much power over me, what she has to offer is just so appealing. Oh, and I love to indulge and just lie in her presence forever. She's so sweet to me sometimes... OK more like all the time. The light touch of her lips, just makes everything disappear. And all the noise, all gone. It feels good to forget, it feels good to get away, and it most definitely feels good to give in.
Or am I just giving in because she feels so good? I guess I'm not as defiant as I used to be.
Stupid Bitch......
So what happens, theoretically, if I let her take advantage of me. If I indulged on purpose just to take some sort of mental vacation. The truth is, college is depressing, life is depressing, and freakin' this whole world's pretty depressing. Sometimes it's so easy to lose goals, especially when everything around you is going wrong. And apparently, the only way to escape it is to fall in love with someone and just lay with him or her forever ( it doesn't even have to be someone, it could be sloth for example). It's not easy being alone, it's so easy to be discouraged, knowing that you stand against everything, all by yourself. Sometimes I like to say I've gotten used to it.
And I have, except I wasn't really alone when I realized it. "I can do all things through the Lord who gives me strength.". I'll tell you that, I'm freaking awesome because of this quote. It's gotten me so far in life and it's taking me great distances to bed, bath, and beyond. It's kind of scary, but I think about it every morning. It's actually one of the first things I think about. I don't have much to say except, I don't think I could live without it (the quote), or Him at that matter.
Well, whatever. I need to sleep I have a presentation tomorrow as well as a lot of other things to think about. Yeah, that's a lie, I don't think I just do. Or at least, I like to think I do.
Either way, I probably won't write in this for awhile.
Thanks
So I haven't written in this in awhile. I guess I've just been really lazy lately. I don't know what's happend to me, I used to be so...awake. Now I sleep whenever I get a chance.
It's so weird, I used to be so "gung ho" about school. I used to be so into the potential that I have, I really put myself in the position "for glory". I thought I was going to be great, I could've done anything and everything I ever applied myself to. I still do believe these things it's just that.... I've succumb to an overwhelming lazy state. I haven't been this lazy, ever. I mean like I said before, I sleep whenever I get a chance. I avoid work as much as possible. I still do get things done , I just get them done at the procrastinators pace. I don't know what's come over me or where I became so uninspired or so unmotivated. The feeling sucks really, there isn't much to be proud of. I mean through all the mediocre grades and barely studying anything at all. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like I'm not applying 130% of myself like I used to. It really sucks.
I feel so... idle.
It's so weird, I used to be so "gung ho" about school. I used to be so into the potential that I have, I really put myself in the position "for glory". I thought I was going to be great, I could've done anything and everything I ever applied myself to. I still do believe these things it's just that.... I've succumb to an overwhelming lazy state. I haven't been this lazy, ever. I mean like I said before, I sleep whenever I get a chance. I avoid work as much as possible. I still do get things done , I just get them done at the procrastinators pace. I don't know what's come over me or where I became so uninspired or so unmotivated. The feeling sucks really, there isn't much to be proud of. I mean through all the mediocre grades and barely studying anything at all. I feel like I'm going nowhere. I feel like I'm not applying 130% of myself like I used to. It really sucks.
I feel so... idle.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
In all honesty...
Growing up...
Seems as if you're walking along and then all of a sudden you're stacked with different choices. Not just you though, but all your peers as well. This is basically the point where you stare up at the sky and just wonder "What's going on?"
It seems like a mess, check this, you splatter paint onto the wall and all you see is arms branching out and total chaos in every direction. Is this the point we've reached? It seems as though everyone around me is making more and more different decisions and at the point where a path ends two more paths begin. Some of us don't walk together anymore, we've chosen our ways and now it's time to walk our paths.
It's a condescending feeling really, thinking about it you really don't know who's still going to be around in a years time. On the contrary, you don't know who's going to be with you in a year's time. Really seperate paths in opposite directions only make the distance greater.
But honestly, I have trouble letting go sometimes. When I think about it, I always enjoyed keeping the best memories closest to heart. Friends may come and go, but at least the memories you share will be there forever. Ties are so hard to break sometimes, just because, none of the pieces fit anymore. Catch my drift? Just the dominant thought of changes and then seperate paths it just gets to a point where it seems like it's just not worth holding onto anymore. Or fighting to keep in touch making sure that "best friends forever" really means best friends forever. (as corny as that sounds)
I really don't want to let go, honestly. But I don't want these types of things to bother me anymore. It's holding me back, just the thought of it.
No more holding on. No more fighting.
Just progress... please.
Seems as if you're walking along and then all of a sudden you're stacked with different choices. Not just you though, but all your peers as well. This is basically the point where you stare up at the sky and just wonder "What's going on?"
It seems like a mess, check this, you splatter paint onto the wall and all you see is arms branching out and total chaos in every direction. Is this the point we've reached? It seems as though everyone around me is making more and more different decisions and at the point where a path ends two more paths begin. Some of us don't walk together anymore, we've chosen our ways and now it's time to walk our paths.
It's a condescending feeling really, thinking about it you really don't know who's still going to be around in a years time. On the contrary, you don't know who's going to be with you in a year's time. Really seperate paths in opposite directions only make the distance greater.
But honestly, I have trouble letting go sometimes. When I think about it, I always enjoyed keeping the best memories closest to heart. Friends may come and go, but at least the memories you share will be there forever. Ties are so hard to break sometimes, just because, none of the pieces fit anymore. Catch my drift? Just the dominant thought of changes and then seperate paths it just gets to a point where it seems like it's just not worth holding onto anymore. Or fighting to keep in touch making sure that "best friends forever" really means best friends forever. (as corny as that sounds)
I really don't want to let go, honestly. But I don't want these types of things to bother me anymore. It's holding me back, just the thought of it.
No more holding on. No more fighting.
Just progress... please.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Okay...
Dear Whoevercomes Alongandreadsthis,
I've come along way since... just since. After transferring you realize the different attitudes each campus contains and even though you never hear me say it. I do miss Essex County College, however to stay in such a hole would only get me nowhere. Compared to Rutgers Newark though, sometimes I'd appriciate it if my fellow student, gracing the seat next to me, would kindly pay attention instead of play on bodog.com. Though, having the name of Rutgers attached to my degree would get me almost anywhere.
The attitude is different over here, back in Essex (after a certain date) everyone was attentive, everyone wanted to learn, and everyone took EVERY class in it's highest priority. (even when it's not focused on their major.) When you were put into a group, everyone contacted each other and did their work. Over here on the Rutgers end, no one seems to be interested in getting the project done ahead of time. It almost feels like I have to coerce them to do their work.
Work ethic is obviously something I took for granted while I at Essex. I can't emphasize how important it is, and even more so to be surrounded by students or peers with the same type of mindset.
Eh....
I've come along way since... just since. After transferring you realize the different attitudes each campus contains and even though you never hear me say it. I do miss Essex County College, however to stay in such a hole would only get me nowhere. Compared to Rutgers Newark though, sometimes I'd appriciate it if my fellow student, gracing the seat next to me, would kindly pay attention instead of play on bodog.com. Though, having the name of Rutgers attached to my degree would get me almost anywhere.
The attitude is different over here, back in Essex (after a certain date) everyone was attentive, everyone wanted to learn, and everyone took EVERY class in it's highest priority. (even when it's not focused on their major.) When you were put into a group, everyone contacted each other and did their work. Over here on the Rutgers end, no one seems to be interested in getting the project done ahead of time. It almost feels like I have to coerce them to do their work.
Work ethic is obviously something I took for granted while I at Essex. I can't emphasize how important it is, and even more so to be surrounded by students or peers with the same type of mindset.
Eh....
Friday, August 1, 2008
Empty Seat...
next to me
warm
fuzzy
sweet...
When it's empty, why are you there?
The thought makes me feel complete,
whenever I'm not complete.
warm
fuzzy
sweet...
When it's empty, why are you there?
The thought makes me feel complete,
whenever I'm not complete.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Presents or Presence?
Passion huh? I remember watching a very popular show one time, awhile ago actually, and something that always rings is my head is that one quote "Not everyone in life will find their passion blah blah blah." I obviously don't remember the full quote.
But really, it comes to everyone eventually I'm sure. I mean it came to me and boy does it feel great. To feel so passionate about doing something and feeling the drive of getting better. Then after you've accomplished one level you drive to go to the next. It's a nice feeling, there's no limit to how good you can get. Really though, it doesn't matter where your passion lies. Everyone gets somewhere when they put their hearts into their own personal work.
And you notice it to, you can always pick out the weeds from the flowers. Anyone who has passion about anything will have their own swagger when they go about it. I know this one girl who dances, and she always makes it very sexy. (Well, sexy is the word I use only because it's one word and if you wanted more I'd give you a whole novel about it, trust me, I'm single and a male in the same mix. I would know.) But really, that's how she goes about it, she loves it. Most importantly though, she's got that sexy swagger when she goes about it.
Really, you can't attain this type of passion, this feeling if your always following in someone's footsteps. What's the point, it's not your swagger. It only makes your products exact copies. All because you don't walk the walk, YOUR walk. You walk someone's road, and it's impossible insert your heart into something evolved from someone's heart and soul. It isn't authentic. I mean yeah, it's nice to follow and be inspired by someone, however, there has to be some point in the road where you break off and start working on your own projects. Gain your own personal "swagger" and go about things the way you want, in the style you want.
So going back to the girl, she's so passionate about her dancing, she walks her own path with her own swagger and I KNOW she has followers. Whether they make their own paths or decide to follow is totally up to them.
It takes many to replicate, but only one to authenticate.
But really, it comes to everyone eventually I'm sure. I mean it came to me and boy does it feel great. To feel so passionate about doing something and feeling the drive of getting better. Then after you've accomplished one level you drive to go to the next. It's a nice feeling, there's no limit to how good you can get. Really though, it doesn't matter where your passion lies. Everyone gets somewhere when they put their hearts into their own personal work.
And you notice it to, you can always pick out the weeds from the flowers. Anyone who has passion about anything will have their own swagger when they go about it. I know this one girl who dances, and she always makes it very sexy. (Well, sexy is the word I use only because it's one word and if you wanted more I'd give you a whole novel about it, trust me, I'm single and a male in the same mix. I would know.) But really, that's how she goes about it, she loves it. Most importantly though, she's got that sexy swagger when she goes about it.
Really, you can't attain this type of passion, this feeling if your always following in someone's footsteps. What's the point, it's not your swagger. It only makes your products exact copies. All because you don't walk the walk, YOUR walk. You walk someone's road, and it's impossible insert your heart into something evolved from someone's heart and soul. It isn't authentic. I mean yeah, it's nice to follow and be inspired by someone, however, there has to be some point in the road where you break off and start working on your own projects. Gain your own personal "swagger" and go about things the way you want, in the style you want.
So going back to the girl, she's so passionate about her dancing, she walks her own path with her own swagger and I KNOW she has followers. Whether they make their own paths or decide to follow is totally up to them.
It takes many to replicate, but only one to authenticate.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
So...Valorous?
I needed to write before I went to sleep.
I ended up saying "It's hard to find peace in your life"
You live life fighting your everyday battles, and then all of a sudden it hits you. Hits you like the enormous amount of bricks that would hit you if an enormous building just happened to collapse on top of you.
Existentialism settles in.
It's a heavy thought, knowing that your on your own when it comes to doing things. Feeling like you have to get up and then all of a sudden you're fearless. You're all of a sudden the valorous seed that must sprout and make it's own decisions. Choices are tough yet at the same time so delicate. So easy to make, but so hard to make. Two very extreme ideas, just combined into one. The intersection where the road always splits into two. How do we go about these things? There really is never a right or wrong, but, what's right for me?
Choices, choices.
There ain't nothing too tough for me.
I ended up saying "It's hard to find peace in your life"
You live life fighting your everyday battles, and then all of a sudden it hits you. Hits you like the enormous amount of bricks that would hit you if an enormous building just happened to collapse on top of you.
Existentialism settles in.
It's a heavy thought, knowing that your on your own when it comes to doing things. Feeling like you have to get up and then all of a sudden you're fearless. You're all of a sudden the valorous seed that must sprout and make it's own decisions. Choices are tough yet at the same time so delicate. So easy to make, but so hard to make. Two very extreme ideas, just combined into one. The intersection where the road always splits into two. How do we go about these things? There really is never a right or wrong, but, what's right for me?
Choices, choices.
There ain't nothing too tough for me.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
So she mentioned...
that I'm pretty brave posting these types of things. She's right, some of these are my deepest thoughts, the way they cross my mind and everything. I needed to put it somewhere, but, to put it somewhere everyone can see? Haha, I guess. It doesn't phase me. I just need an outlet sometimes, only because so many things run around my head.
They just need to be ousted somehow.
So, continuing with the "ousting"...
It's funny how people can get lost in things they love. It really isn't biased toward what it is, I mean it could be music, it could be writing, it could be dancing, blah blah blah blah. Pretty much so, it's unbelievable to know that these things, just never fail you. The best part is always feeling that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you think about how fun it is. Some say they're looking for love, but sometimes you never realize you're already in love. Hence, when your in love you can create.
Therefore...
You make "love" to your talents to give birth a new creation. Just like any proud parent, you take pride in your "babies". I mean yeah they do some kind of justice to you. Espescially when people say things like "Oh, I loved blah blah blah". Then in you keep in your head your thoughts, (for fear of being egotistical) "Damn, I'm the shit". Then thats where the pride settles in, people fall in love with your "baby". The love doesn't stop, it probably never will.
So don't stop doing what you love, and even more so, love what your doing.
When you pour your heart into anything, you'll get an audience that will feel, true love in it's finest form. Even though love can't be seen, or heard, or touched, we all know it can be felt. It's like a love story, when you get an audience at least. If you pour your heart enough into the product, then you'll get a product that "sells". This is what they want, they want to fall in love with your love story. Or at least, thats the profit from the investment.
I don't know, this just happened to cross my mind while I was listening to a song. Like I swear, you can feel the love that the artist poured into a song. Not for money, not for fame, but more like for love.
So that just goes to prove, talent is innate and it's loved.
They just need to be ousted somehow.
So, continuing with the "ousting"...
It's funny how people can get lost in things they love. It really isn't biased toward what it is, I mean it could be music, it could be writing, it could be dancing, blah blah blah blah. Pretty much so, it's unbelievable to know that these things, just never fail you. The best part is always feeling that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you think about how fun it is. Some say they're looking for love, but sometimes you never realize you're already in love. Hence, when your in love you can create.
Therefore...
You make "love" to your talents to give birth a new creation. Just like any proud parent, you take pride in your "babies". I mean yeah they do some kind of justice to you. Espescially when people say things like "Oh, I loved blah blah blah". Then in you keep in your head your thoughts, (for fear of being egotistical) "Damn, I'm the shit". Then thats where the pride settles in, people fall in love with your "baby". The love doesn't stop, it probably never will.
So don't stop doing what you love, and even more so, love what your doing.
When you pour your heart into anything, you'll get an audience that will feel, true love in it's finest form. Even though love can't be seen, or heard, or touched, we all know it can be felt. It's like a love story, when you get an audience at least. If you pour your heart enough into the product, then you'll get a product that "sells". This is what they want, they want to fall in love with your love story. Or at least, thats the profit from the investment.
I don't know, this just happened to cross my mind while I was listening to a song. Like I swear, you can feel the love that the artist poured into a song. Not for money, not for fame, but more like for love.
So that just goes to prove, talent is innate and it's loved.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Talent.
you're pretty damn interesting,
i can't get you out of my head.
the source of all controversy,
but yet the source of intrigue
do i envy? do i question?
or do i seek?
stop, i can't force it.
you'll come to me.
and when you come, you won't stop.
when you arrive,
you'll arrive with a "no remorse" factor.
and you'll bury me alive
there's no mercy for me
however, i'm gonna love you.
your kind of things,
don't take "prisoners"
you'll work me over like a diamond
apply pressure, apply heat
but once i come out, i shine.
you'll have me begging for more.
and, someday, you'll be mine.
so, "when does it end?"
it never ends, as long as you stay
so damn interesting.
i can't get you out of my head.
the source of all controversy,
but yet the source of intrigue
do i envy? do i question?
or do i seek?
stop, i can't force it.
you'll come to me.
and when you come, you won't stop.
when you arrive,
you'll arrive with a "no remorse" factor.
and you'll bury me alive
there's no mercy for me
however, i'm gonna love you.
your kind of things,
don't take "prisoners"
you'll work me over like a diamond
apply pressure, apply heat
but once i come out, i shine.
you'll have me begging for more.
and, someday, you'll be mine.
so, "when does it end?"
it never ends, as long as you stay
so damn interesting.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
What's happening to me?
What a pain, it seems like every now and then your just sitting there and the thought that you're getting older and such comes to mind. It's a scary thought, when it comes to mind everything that you worry about comes to mind as well. You start to wish you were younger again, 13 perhaps? When you first started to realize that girls are one of the cooler things now. 9 maybe? the times when watching power rangers meant everything to you. 4? you take your first steps into school and make your first best friend.
This happens all the time, then you realize, it's not easy anymore. You can't just walk up to someone and just say "hey, lets be best friends". Today, it seems like THE most frightful experience. Just to even say hi to someone new. I never knew that I could be so socially unstable. I'm 20 years old and I'm still trying to find my bearings as a person. Sometimes, I just don't get it.
Other than that, for some reason I've been feeling more idle lately and lazy. It seems like i wake up every morning, just wanting to stay in bed. Just lay there, I don't understand why I do it. Somewhere along the way I may have lost my motivation. What happend to me? I feel like I've lost myself somewhere and for whatever reason, I don't feel like trying anymore. Which isn't like me, I don't believe in giving up and that there's no such thing as genius, just hard work. Prayers and effort have gotten me so far. Why isn't it pushing me anymore? How come i feel so dry? This state of mind sucks. I feel like I can't accomplish anything. So unfocused right now. It makes me so mad, cause how I feel now, is contradictory to everything I stand for. kajpfwieohspodijhfwoiehfdksjfwpeoif
Dying almost seems fitting now. OH no not because I'm sad or anything, it's because I'm just so idle. I laid in bed for like 5 hours today, I really can't stand how lazy I've been lately.
I dunno I have a final tomorrow, I need to study. I need to focus. It sucks, cause I think I let another A+ final grade slip by. I swear I'm smart, I just need to apply myself so much more.
This happens all the time, then you realize, it's not easy anymore. You can't just walk up to someone and just say "hey, lets be best friends". Today, it seems like THE most frightful experience. Just to even say hi to someone new. I never knew that I could be so socially unstable. I'm 20 years old and I'm still trying to find my bearings as a person. Sometimes, I just don't get it.
Other than that, for some reason I've been feeling more idle lately and lazy. It seems like i wake up every morning, just wanting to stay in bed. Just lay there, I don't understand why I do it. Somewhere along the way I may have lost my motivation. What happend to me? I feel like I've lost myself somewhere and for whatever reason, I don't feel like trying anymore. Which isn't like me, I don't believe in giving up and that there's no such thing as genius, just hard work. Prayers and effort have gotten me so far. Why isn't it pushing me anymore? How come i feel so dry? This state of mind sucks. I feel like I can't accomplish anything. So unfocused right now. It makes me so mad, cause how I feel now, is contradictory to everything I stand for. kajpfwieohspodijhfwoiehfdksjfwpeoif
Dying almost seems fitting now. OH no not because I'm sad or anything, it's because I'm just so idle. I laid in bed for like 5 hours today, I really can't stand how lazy I've been lately.
I dunno I have a final tomorrow, I need to study. I need to focus. It sucks, cause I think I let another A+ final grade slip by. I swear I'm smart, I just need to apply myself so much more.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Untitled
you feel so good
and it tickles when you breathe on my neck.
every breath, hits me in two different ways.
then the confusion sets in...
am i smiling at the feeling, or am i smiling at the feeling?
it's kinda sweaty, but your cheeks are warm
pressed up against mine.
i want you closer.
tighter...
i can feel the vibrations of your voice
and anticipate every breath
i love it when it hits my neck
don't stop, please.
you let go,
you smile, and time stops
the feeling rushes in, as our lips move
closer...
closer...
closer...
then it departs, as you depart
minutes to moments, moments to memories.
i can't forget how you felt. i can't forget how it felt.
but in this memory, i can forget everything else.
take it back,
memories to moments, moments to minutes.
make it real again.
cause that's just how i like it, when your lips meets mine.
mm hmm
When was the last time I wrote something like that...?
and it tickles when you breathe on my neck.
every breath, hits me in two different ways.
then the confusion sets in...
am i smiling at the feeling, or am i smiling at the feeling?
it's kinda sweaty, but your cheeks are warm
pressed up against mine.
i want you closer.
tighter...
i can feel the vibrations of your voice
and anticipate every breath
i love it when it hits my neck
don't stop, please.
you let go,
you smile, and time stops
the feeling rushes in, as our lips move
closer...
closer...
closer...
then it departs, as you depart
minutes to moments, moments to memories.
i can't forget how you felt. i can't forget how it felt.
but in this memory, i can forget everything else.
take it back,
memories to moments, moments to minutes.
make it real again.
cause that's just how i like it, when your lips meets mine.
mm hmm
When was the last time I wrote something like that...?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Make it up
My cacti sprouted yesterday, I planted them on Earth day. I'll admit to you I'm a fan of cacti, and even more so my ideal field of work would be found in the desert. Not a sandy desert like the Sahara of Northern Africa more like the Painted Desert that can be found here in the U.S. It's just something I take interest in.
Or a tundra, tundra would be nice. Working with permafrost and who else knows what.
Either way, I've been wanting to write in this for awhile. Ever since I finished the spring semester to be exact. Unfortunately, I haven't had much to write about or much to think about. I just tried to enjoy my time off as best as I could. I actually approached someone last night and asked her what I should write about. She gave me an array of ideas. Ideas that would have eventually led me to write a story about a girl in cahoots with her life and her friends. Who knows what kind of epic tale would have evolved from that.
Despite that idea not coming to life, I'll probably take another shot at it some other day. That reminds me of my younger days. I used to write short stories when I was younger. Small little adventure stories, the only one I can actually recall is one about a trip to the bottom of the ocean in a small submarine. Then as I got older, I used to write corny poems. They all rhymed and had a romantic touch to them, it was such trash. I was one of those hopeless romantics and no one fell in love with my "way with words". No artistic value whatsoever. USELESS!
But you learn from your mistakes, and eventually romance ceases to exist at some point. Not for me apparently. I secretly still have my little romantic ideas and what not. Thats just going to be a secret between you and I, Mr./Mrs./Miss devoted reader. If anyone reads this at all.
"But, Marvin you told me that you were anti-romantic."
Yeah about that, so I lied. I guess I was just trying to forget all the pain it's caused.
I'm okay now though, I swear!
Or a tundra, tundra would be nice. Working with permafrost and who else knows what.
Either way, I've been wanting to write in this for awhile. Ever since I finished the spring semester to be exact. Unfortunately, I haven't had much to write about or much to think about. I just tried to enjoy my time off as best as I could. I actually approached someone last night and asked her what I should write about. She gave me an array of ideas. Ideas that would have eventually led me to write a story about a girl in cahoots with her life and her friends. Who knows what kind of epic tale would have evolved from that.
Despite that idea not coming to life, I'll probably take another shot at it some other day. That reminds me of my younger days. I used to write short stories when I was younger. Small little adventure stories, the only one I can actually recall is one about a trip to the bottom of the ocean in a small submarine. Then as I got older, I used to write corny poems. They all rhymed and had a romantic touch to them, it was such trash. I was one of those hopeless romantics and no one fell in love with my "way with words". No artistic value whatsoever. USELESS!
But you learn from your mistakes, and eventually romance ceases to exist at some point. Not for me apparently. I secretly still have my little romantic ideas and what not. Thats just going to be a secret between you and I, Mr./Mrs./Miss devoted reader. If anyone reads this at all.
"But, Marvin you told me that you were anti-romantic."
Yeah about that, so I lied. I guess I was just trying to forget all the pain it's caused.
I'm okay now though, I swear!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Empty
So, Spring session 2008 is finally over. I took my last final today and I'm just hoping and praying only for the best. Who knows? Things have been great for me these past couple of months. It feels like I'm finally in the right place. For now at least. Either way I can't emphasize enough how good I've had it these past couple months. Sure its had its ups and downs, but it was all to the benefit of growing up and the defeat of every challenge I may have faced.
So now since that's over, I find myself in an idle state. Me being my so very untalented self leaves me with not many things to do. You can laugh at me if you'd like, but I just went to google to do a search on "How to find talent" and something interesting came up.
"Talents are different than skills, in that they tend to be innate rather than learned. Once found, they can be nurtured and developed, but finding them can be tricky. It's partly a process of self-observation and honesty. The rest is learning and practice.
I don't know what it is that makes me want to immerse myself into something. I've thought about it countless times.
Some conclusions I've arrived at were:
A) I'm impressed with my friends talents and I wish to impress others.
B) I don't spend my time wisely so why not spend it doing something I love.
C) My life sucks and I need something to show that I'm not a mediocre individual
D) All of the above
E) The answer doesn't exist in this dimension.
I've tried to get into things like drawing, but I don't know, I just haven't been inspired lately. I just wish I wasn't so, boring haha.
F) Or maybe if I had something to show I'd be more interesting and score more "hot points" in the eyes of women.
But if answer F were true, then I'd only be doing it for women. That wouldn't be very fun, I actually look down on things like that. So I should just disregard reason F.
It is what it is, maybe someday I'll find my own thing and do my own thing. Unfortunately, for now I just feel kind of empty. I don't think I can stand my idle-self anymore.
So now since that's over, I find myself in an idle state. Me being my so very untalented self leaves me with not many things to do. You can laugh at me if you'd like, but I just went to google to do a search on "How to find talent" and something interesting came up.
"Talents are different than skills, in that they tend to be innate rather than learned. Once found, they can be nurtured and developed, but finding them can be tricky. It's partly a process of self-observation and honesty. The rest is learning and practice.
Talents can come in many varieties. They may be artistic or technical, mental or physical, inwardly or outwardly directed. They need not be profitable, useful, or conventional, but they will always be your own, part of what makes you you." -wikihow.com
I don't know what it is that makes me want to immerse myself into something. I've thought about it countless times.
Some conclusions I've arrived at were:
A) I'm impressed with my friends talents and I wish to impress others.
B) I don't spend my time wisely so why not spend it doing something I love.
C) My life sucks and I need something to show that I'm not a mediocre individual
D) All of the above
E) The answer doesn't exist in this dimension.
I've tried to get into things like drawing, but I don't know, I just haven't been inspired lately. I just wish I wasn't so, boring haha.
F) Or maybe if I had something to show I'd be more interesting and score more "hot points" in the eyes of women.
But if answer F were true, then I'd only be doing it for women. That wouldn't be very fun, I actually look down on things like that. So I should just disregard reason F.
It is what it is, maybe someday I'll find my own thing and do my own thing. Unfortunately, for now I just feel kind of empty. I don't think I can stand my idle-self anymore.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Writing for writing's sake
I never realized how much I loved to write, at least in things like these. I miss it, honestly. From those everyday rambles to the deepest thoughts that I tried to share. I think I stopped because no one cared to read my daily happenings or just because it wasn't the "cool" thing to do anymore.
Either way, you don't know what you've got until its gone. So, while the whole blog thing was absent from my life, I started to miss it. There have been many instances where I would sit idle and just think. Think about almost everything and everyone. Finally I would come to the realization that I should write about it. Only to come to the other realization that "I deleted my xanga" which felt a lot more like, "I deleted my heart". Which only makes my heart sink deeper only because I had a lot of stuff written on there. It's like the history of my developing/expanding mind. It was my archive, and now I can't go back and look at it. So in a sense, I really did "delete my heart".
I remember the exact feeling though, you know the feeling you get after you write your heart out on a piece of paper. Every word and every sentence belongs to you. It was almost like, the blog itself was an extension of your soul. Like, you copied every thought running through your mind and then just pasted it onto a sheet similar to the likes of this one (or this one in actuality).
Or maybe, it's a kind of mirror. Where you read what you write, but instead of seeing a physical part of yourself, you see an intellectual. An intellectual that you can relate to, honestly, I think you can seriously get to know a person more intimately if you read things that are written by them. I mean, a mirror is a mirror and damn the person who said "the eyes are the portals to the soul", BULLSHIT. No, it's one thing to "see" a soul, but it's another thing to feel one. Where do you think the phrase "I feel you" came from? When you read something, theres more intimacy there. At least, thats how I feel.
Writing to me was the epitome of a true thinker indeed. I'm just someone who couldn't escape his own thoughts, I needed to get away somehow. Released in the form of words, without any hindrance from society and its poisonous opinions. Thinking for thinking's sake and writing for writing's sake.
After everything's said and done, you clean up the blood that you spilled onto this damn thing and hope your heart fits back into your chest. You then read it, and all of a sudden you say to yourself "DAMN MUTHAFUCKA I wrote that shit, hence, I MUST BE THE SHIT". Feeling so proud of every witty metaphor you have just made. (as well as you know your improper use of grammar and slang terms thrown about recklessly, which would cause any readers IQ to drop significantly.) Such statements and a burst of emotions only lead up to feeding that fat ass ego of yours. I don't know about you, but that's how it always was for me. I felt like the shit when I wrote.
I miss this shit.
Either way, you don't know what you've got until its gone. So, while the whole blog thing was absent from my life, I started to miss it. There have been many instances where I would sit idle and just think. Think about almost everything and everyone. Finally I would come to the realization that I should write about it. Only to come to the other realization that "I deleted my xanga" which felt a lot more like, "I deleted my heart". Which only makes my heart sink deeper only because I had a lot of stuff written on there. It's like the history of my developing/expanding mind. It was my archive, and now I can't go back and look at it. So in a sense, I really did "delete my heart".
I remember the exact feeling though, you know the feeling you get after you write your heart out on a piece of paper. Every word and every sentence belongs to you. It was almost like, the blog itself was an extension of your soul. Like, you copied every thought running through your mind and then just pasted it onto a sheet similar to the likes of this one (or this one in actuality).
Or maybe, it's a kind of mirror. Where you read what you write, but instead of seeing a physical part of yourself, you see an intellectual. An intellectual that you can relate to, honestly, I think you can seriously get to know a person more intimately if you read things that are written by them. I mean, a mirror is a mirror and damn the person who said "the eyes are the portals to the soul", BULLSHIT. No, it's one thing to "see" a soul, but it's another thing to feel one. Where do you think the phrase "I feel you" came from? When you read something, theres more intimacy there. At least, thats how I feel.
Writing to me was the epitome of a true thinker indeed. I'm just someone who couldn't escape his own thoughts, I needed to get away somehow. Released in the form of words, without any hindrance from society and its poisonous opinions. Thinking for thinking's sake and writing for writing's sake.
After everything's said and done, you clean up the blood that you spilled onto this damn thing and hope your heart fits back into your chest. You then read it, and all of a sudden you say to yourself "DAMN MUTHAFUCKA I wrote that shit, hence, I MUST BE THE SHIT". Feeling so proud of every witty metaphor you have just made. (as well as you know your improper use of grammar and slang terms thrown about recklessly, which would cause any readers IQ to drop significantly.) Such statements and a burst of emotions only lead up to feeding that fat ass ego of yours. I don't know about you, but that's how it always was for me. I felt like the shit when I wrote.
I miss this shit.
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