Thursday, September 10, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
...Just Because.
Not exactly sure what brought me here to this blogger-dingy. But I felt it necessary to write after awhile. So as I listen to orchestrated pieces of various movie soundtracks, I'll contemplate and narrate everything that runs through my head at this very moment in the fabric of time (all to the epic sounds that an orchestra can bring).
Forgive me though, I do believe that it's so cliche to be writing an entry on this, the last night of summer. Being contemplative on what has been, what has gone, and what will be.
To start, I think this summer has been a real eye-opener. It showed me that narrow gap between child's play and adulthood. I really can't say much about growing up and being older and all that "coming of age" jibberish. I'm still as immature as I'll always be. I've never really understood it, but being "out of the box" was something important to me. It's what makes me... me. It became frustrating however, just because I'd always view my interests as only my interests. That they would be boring to everyone else or misunderstood. So I never would talk about it. I've kept a lot of things to myself. I always wondered why most people hardly know me, then it just came to me that I really don't share enough of myself. It's like being so... anti-egotistical.
I do have a tendency to be shy about the things that I do. I lack a lot of confidence.
So here it goes: I'm Marvin, I enjoy various types of music and every now and then I indulge in orchestrated pieces of music. I have an unyielding passion for the sciences and it's always been apart of my life ever since I got cable and stumbled across the discovery channel. I'm a mediocre trumpet player, I'm also pretty bad at guitar. On top of that, I'm a terrible singer (But I do it anyway) That doesn't account for the fact that I know my music theory which makes learning new instruments so much more easier. I used to draw graffiti, I still appreciate it however. I love to write and someday I hope to write songs. I love food and I know a lot of good locales. I've also been dying to go to all the eateries in NY as well as all the museums in NY. On top of all that, I try to keep it classy whilst(to my misfortune)keeping it lazy.
Yeah yeah yeah, I know this sounds sort of like a pity party/comming of age/getting over yourself kinda thing.
But, I'm not trying to make this sound like a pity party. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. I really need to make changes if I want to improve the quality of life. I firmly believe that life has a lot to offer, but you gotta give it something to work with.
Here's another realization of mine:
Giving up on the whole girl situation and deciding that you should become 100% asexual will not solve that problem. I mean, I always lived and studied under the influence that I can acquire knowledge that probably could improve the quality of the world and give back to the 6 billion people of the world. After that possibly retire and teach at some university as some professor installing hope into the hearts of many. This is love and passion. And it's what I've believed in for the past year or so.
And it's hard to talk about something I've never experienced. But I guess it's not the same as having that one person. I don't know what I could give, or I don't even know what I could do. I don't even know what the hype is about. But this yearning and that shear feeling of "want" for that one, definitely has some kind of meaning. And like the curious little scientist I am, I need to find out what that meaning is. Even it if is just a personal definition.
I guess, sharing something with one is another experience than from sharing something with all.
To be honest, I usually went about trying to define every summer season as "my summer". But that tradition died out once I realized it's boring to be doing things by yourself. However, I didn't make any expectations, I didn't make any plans. Things just kind of happened.
Life just kinda happens because God likes to make it interesting, and I seem to be enjoying all the surprises that I've been given.
I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me.
Forgive me though, I do believe that it's so cliche to be writing an entry on this, the last night of summer. Being contemplative on what has been, what has gone, and what will be.
To start, I think this summer has been a real eye-opener. It showed me that narrow gap between child's play and adulthood. I really can't say much about growing up and being older and all that "coming of age" jibberish. I'm still as immature as I'll always be. I've never really understood it, but being "out of the box" was something important to me. It's what makes me... me. It became frustrating however, just because I'd always view my interests as only my interests. That they would be boring to everyone else or misunderstood. So I never would talk about it. I've kept a lot of things to myself. I always wondered why most people hardly know me, then it just came to me that I really don't share enough of myself. It's like being so... anti-egotistical.
I do have a tendency to be shy about the things that I do. I lack a lot of confidence.
So here it goes: I'm Marvin, I enjoy various types of music and every now and then I indulge in orchestrated pieces of music. I have an unyielding passion for the sciences and it's always been apart of my life ever since I got cable and stumbled across the discovery channel. I'm a mediocre trumpet player, I'm also pretty bad at guitar. On top of that, I'm a terrible singer (But I do it anyway) That doesn't account for the fact that I know my music theory which makes learning new instruments so much more easier. I used to draw graffiti, I still appreciate it however. I love to write and someday I hope to write songs. I love food and I know a lot of good locales. I've also been dying to go to all the eateries in NY as well as all the museums in NY. On top of all that, I try to keep it classy whilst(to my misfortune)keeping it lazy.
Yeah yeah yeah, I know this sounds sort of like a pity party/comming of age/getting over yourself kinda thing.
But, I'm not trying to make this sound like a pity party. I'm just trying to be honest with myself. I really need to make changes if I want to improve the quality of life. I firmly believe that life has a lot to offer, but you gotta give it something to work with.
Here's another realization of mine:
Giving up on the whole girl situation and deciding that you should become 100% asexual will not solve that problem. I mean, I always lived and studied under the influence that I can acquire knowledge that probably could improve the quality of the world and give back to the 6 billion people of the world. After that possibly retire and teach at some university as some professor installing hope into the hearts of many. This is love and passion. And it's what I've believed in for the past year or so.
And it's hard to talk about something I've never experienced. But I guess it's not the same as having that one person. I don't know what I could give, or I don't even know what I could do. I don't even know what the hype is about. But this yearning and that shear feeling of "want" for that one, definitely has some kind of meaning. And like the curious little scientist I am, I need to find out what that meaning is. Even it if is just a personal definition.
I guess, sharing something with one is another experience than from sharing something with all.
To be honest, I usually went about trying to define every summer season as "my summer". But that tradition died out once I realized it's boring to be doing things by yourself. However, I didn't make any expectations, I didn't make any plans. Things just kind of happened.
Life just kinda happens because God likes to make it interesting, and I seem to be enjoying all the surprises that I've been given.
I can't wait to see what else God has in store for me.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Places
With everyday that passes by, it gets more apparent that there's nothing here for me anymore.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Dear Pretty Women,
I'm shy and intimidated.
You seem to catch my eye,
While I fumble along trying to catch my breath.
When you look at me,
I only look away because I'm trying to hide...
Something?
It's nice when you stare, but it's also scary.
I like it when you talk to me,
but I don't look at you, probably because I'll get distracted.
It doesn't make sense to me either.
I suck at these things.
In the end I'm probably just the type to play the 'oh shit' game and panic.
Yeah, I don't know how to drop my guard.
Ehh...
Forget women, I'm just trying to have fun. And if 'fun' is getting involved with a woman someday, then I'll let it be. But for now, it doesn't look that way and i'll just find my infinite well of 'fun' from other sources.
That well is currently school and my future. Okay so, honestly planning is a pain in the ass. Hey, but what's love without the struggle? You only put yourself though hell because you love what you're doing. And at that point, not even hell itself can stop you from loving what you love. It's nice to be passionate and dream about achieving those dreams that you have fallen in love with. At some point, love will eventually bring you to that point where they're not dreams anymore because you're making it happen.
I like it when things happen.
My agenda grows bigger everyday. Get my Masters, work and make a living, get my PhD. Ultimately becoming a college professor, inspiring students like (some of) my professors have done for me. Do this, do that, yada, yada, yada. I have no idea what drives me to such goals, but I hardly think anyone can understand me. On top of that, I'm so immature and so 'outside the box'.
It's a weird combination, an immature over-achiever. How does it work?
Yeah....
...I don't know either.
Either way....I'll make it somehow, someway.
You seem to catch my eye,
While I fumble along trying to catch my breath.
When you look at me,
I only look away because I'm trying to hide...
Something?
It's nice when you stare, but it's also scary.
I like it when you talk to me,
but I don't look at you, probably because I'll get distracted.
It doesn't make sense to me either.
I suck at these things.
In the end I'm probably just the type to play the 'oh shit' game and panic.
Yeah, I don't know how to drop my guard.
Ehh...
Forget women, I'm just trying to have fun. And if 'fun' is getting involved with a woman someday, then I'll let it be. But for now, it doesn't look that way and i'll just find my infinite well of 'fun' from other sources.
That well is currently school and my future. Okay so, honestly planning is a pain in the ass. Hey, but what's love without the struggle? You only put yourself though hell because you love what you're doing. And at that point, not even hell itself can stop you from loving what you love. It's nice to be passionate and dream about achieving those dreams that you have fallen in love with. At some point, love will eventually bring you to that point where they're not dreams anymore because you're making it happen.
I like it when things happen.
My agenda grows bigger everyday. Get my Masters, work and make a living, get my PhD. Ultimately becoming a college professor, inspiring students like (some of) my professors have done for me. Do this, do that, yada, yada, yada. I have no idea what drives me to such goals, but I hardly think anyone can understand me. On top of that, I'm so immature and so 'outside the box'.
It's a weird combination, an immature over-achiever. How does it work?
Yeah....
...I don't know either.
Either way....I'll make it somehow, someway.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Yes, I'll never get anymore mature...
Meanwhile, caught in all the hype of the recent death of Micheal Jackson: (may he rest in peace) I (like many others) proceeded to watch various works of his, mostly his videos. So while I was browsing the galleries of youtube. I came across the music video for "Scream".
I obviously started watching it and you know, it's a good song. However, that's not what caught my attention. As I was watching it, it eventually came to the part where it's Micheal dancing on the wall and all over the floor....
there were bumble balls.
And along with that site came many fond memories of my childhood and how I used to own one of these facinating anomalies. I remember 'oogling' over it's rotating motor and it's random movements which seem to come more out of an impulse, rather than a premeditate move.
Nowadays these kids have these toys that talk, think, piss, and probably soon enough take a shit. I'd probably have more fun with a bumble ball other than the robotic dogs of today. See, I would put my bumble ball on the edge of stairs and turn it on and just watch that thing fall down the stairs. Course I'd probably end up running after it and then doing it all over again, but being that young, I only had to worry about the battery dying. Eventually I got a little more creative and put small lego type of structures at the bottom. Those were the days...
I'm glad they still make these things... Except they only make it for pets now.
I'm still going to buy my kids one. Do you think it's weird that I still remember what the rubber things taste like?
I obviously started watching it and you know, it's a good song. However, that's not what caught my attention. As I was watching it, it eventually came to the part where it's Micheal dancing on the wall and all over the floor....
there were bumble balls.
And along with that site came many fond memories of my childhood and how I used to own one of these facinating anomalies. I remember 'oogling' over it's rotating motor and it's random movements which seem to come more out of an impulse, rather than a premeditate move.
Nowadays these kids have these toys that talk, think, piss, and probably soon enough take a shit. I'd probably have more fun with a bumble ball other than the robotic dogs of today. See, I would put my bumble ball on the edge of stairs and turn it on and just watch that thing fall down the stairs. Course I'd probably end up running after it and then doing it all over again, but being that young, I only had to worry about the battery dying. Eventually I got a little more creative and put small lego type of structures at the bottom. Those were the days...
I'm glad they still make these things... Except they only make it for pets now.
I'm still going to buy my kids one. Do you think it's weird that I still remember what the rubber things taste like?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Working Wonders
I love my life.
I love where I am.
I love myself.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love God.
I love who I am.
I love who I'm starting to become.
I love to pray because it's given me all of the above.
I love where I am.
I love myself.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love God.
I love who I am.
I love who I'm starting to become.
I love to pray because it's given me all of the above.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Explosion
So another thought came to me while I was browsing facebook. And lo and behold, I became enraptured in some of the phrases that we use in our everyday language. Obviously being the idiot I am.... this is how I saw them.
1) Blowing up my wall. As in "Why is she blowing up your wall?" (posting a lot of things on your facebook wall)
2)Blowing up my cell As in "Why is she blowing up your cell?" (texting/calling repeatedly)
3) That's hot (In this case it's a car) As in "That cars so hot." (attractive)
4) Clutch "That was pretty clutch" (witty)
5) Bounce "Let's bounce" (leave)
6) Poppin' "What's poppin'?" (Happening)
7) Gravy "It's all gravy" (Everything's okay)
8) Mad heads "There were mad heads there" (lots of people)
1) Blowing up my wall. As in "Why is she blowing up your wall?" (posting a lot of things on your facebook wall)
2)Blowing up my cell As in "Why is she blowing up your cell?" (texting/calling repeatedly)
3) That's hot (In this case it's a car) As in "That cars so hot." (attractive)
4) Clutch "That was pretty clutch" (witty)
5) Bounce "Let's bounce" (leave)
6) Poppin' "What's poppin'?" (Happening)
7) Gravy "It's all gravy" (Everything's okay)
8) Mad heads "There were mad heads there" (lots of people)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Switching Gears, Hiding Tears
So there's no easy way to go about this but...
As I was browsing through facebook I came across one of my close friends... from a long time ago. I then began to reminisce about the old times that we shared and the memories that we made. Then comes the thoughts about what had happend. "I don't know, we just grew up and grew apart I guess." That seems to be the only generic answer to these types of things. I'm kind of in the mood to strike up a conversation with this person once again.
Funny because this particular friend that I'm talking about was the one who told me that bonds never really die. That was about two years ago. Either way, it just got me thinking about everyone who's been apart of my past and how they've help build the person I am today. How and why we grew apart is always a different story for everyone, but it's more understood than most. It is fun though, making the ones that have the time, come out and hang around me. Usually the whole conversations based around remember when's and what's new. It's such a different feeling whenever you're around an old friend. It feels please but at the same time it feels different. Probably, most likely because you're different and you're seeing this person at a different stage of their lives and you yourself is no exception to that rule. Blah blah blah blah and more technical/analytical shit.
Uhm... No excuses, Just actions. I can't wait to see all my friends again, Past or Present. Hopefully the world is small enough for me to find them again.
Errr. My head is a little messed up over this and I did feel a little heartbroken when I was browsing through facebook. Truth is, I do miss all my older friends. I miss the times we shared and how it felt like we'd be friends forever. It still feels that way. And it's more true than you think, bonds never really do die. To have such an effect as to come across someone's picture and just get hit with all these memories of things. That definitely means something and it's something worth holding onto.
So, I'll see you when I see you.
As I was browsing through facebook I came across one of my close friends... from a long time ago. I then began to reminisce about the old times that we shared and the memories that we made. Then comes the thoughts about what had happend. "I don't know, we just grew up and grew apart I guess." That seems to be the only generic answer to these types of things. I'm kind of in the mood to strike up a conversation with this person once again.
Funny because this particular friend that I'm talking about was the one who told me that bonds never really die. That was about two years ago. Either way, it just got me thinking about everyone who's been apart of my past and how they've help build the person I am today. How and why we grew apart is always a different story for everyone, but it's more understood than most. It is fun though, making the ones that have the time, come out and hang around me. Usually the whole conversations based around remember when's and what's new. It's such a different feeling whenever you're around an old friend. It feels please but at the same time it feels different. Probably, most likely because you're different and you're seeing this person at a different stage of their lives and you yourself is no exception to that rule. Blah blah blah blah and more technical/analytical shit.
Uhm... No excuses, Just actions. I can't wait to see all my friends again, Past or Present. Hopefully the world is small enough for me to find them again.
Errr. My head is a little messed up over this and I did feel a little heartbroken when I was browsing through facebook. Truth is, I do miss all my older friends. I miss the times we shared and how it felt like we'd be friends forever. It still feels that way. And it's more true than you think, bonds never really do die. To have such an effect as to come across someone's picture and just get hit with all these memories of things. That definitely means something and it's something worth holding onto.
So, I'll see you when I see you.
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Night of Mayhem
So I had the most random thought today. While watching TV I thought about robbing a bank. I thought about having things like a black getaway van, ski mask, some kind of gun, and a posse of men who're dressed the same as I am (except the one wearing sun glasses, he's boss). The only thing however, when this came to mind, instead of getting away we end up getting trapped inside. The building gets surrounded by cops as we hold hostages. They try to negotiate and once negotiations start the fun begins. I start thinking about asking them for the most ridiculous things, like cheese burgers or a remote control helicopter. Then see if they would still take me seriously
Sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself for having some of the most out-of-this world day dreams.
If you think that's bad, this one time I had this dream (like dream-dream, as in sleep dream). In this dream I was in some kind of Dorm? Apartment Complex? Graymoor? I don't know, I couldn't tell. All I could tell was that the bathrooms were communal. These bathrooms were weird though, aside from everything being wet (typical of real world public bathrooms), I looked at the toilet and they had urea concentration counters on it. So whenever you would pee, there would be numbers and it would tell you the concentration of urea in your urine. I woke up shortly after using one of these toilets, I didn't get a chance to see my own concentration.
So anyway enough of the nonsense. My mind was wandering as I was thinking about THAT department. Yes, women. I always just thought about the idea of a crush and how it works. (I know, I know, I think a few entries ago I posted about how bitter I was about analyzing things. This was analysis done out of boredom though, so it's not like I had anything better to do. I usually bitch at how much of a waste of time this type of thinking is. And that's exactly what happend here, I needed to kill time, so I did) So yeah I went through facebook and went through all the girls that I think are enticing. Now I wasn't checking them out, I was more or less reminiscing about good times and good conversations that I may have had with each particular woman (that I find attractive). The thing that weirds me out is that these conversations were all different, but they still carried the same amount of pleasure received. It just left me thinking to myself, "What makes a girl drop dead attractive?" (while ignoring all superficial aspects) I mean given the situation is that I'm talking to this girl. It's just weird sometimes how you can be so drawn into a conversation and then all of a sudden be compelled to ask for her number because you want more. Or you can just shy away from the number idea and just wait till you're next encounter, all done to avoid looking creepy. You end up leaving whatever establishment where the encounter took place only thinking about how great you're conversation was. Thinking of how awesome this girl was. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? I'm usually so cautious about trying NOT to fall for girls so easily, but forreal, some girls are just so good at this. Either way, they still cross my mind only to make me anticipate our next meeting. Hopefully I'll walk away with a number this time.
Hopefully... lol.
Sometimes I can't help but laugh at myself for having some of the most out-of-this world day dreams.
If you think that's bad, this one time I had this dream (like dream-dream, as in sleep dream). In this dream I was in some kind of Dorm? Apartment Complex? Graymoor? I don't know, I couldn't tell. All I could tell was that the bathrooms were communal. These bathrooms were weird though, aside from everything being wet (typical of real world public bathrooms), I looked at the toilet and they had urea concentration counters on it. So whenever you would pee, there would be numbers and it would tell you the concentration of urea in your urine. I woke up shortly after using one of these toilets, I didn't get a chance to see my own concentration.
So anyway enough of the nonsense. My mind was wandering as I was thinking about THAT department. Yes, women. I always just thought about the idea of a crush and how it works. (I know, I know, I think a few entries ago I posted about how bitter I was about analyzing things. This was analysis done out of boredom though, so it's not like I had anything better to do. I usually bitch at how much of a waste of time this type of thinking is. And that's exactly what happend here, I needed to kill time, so I did) So yeah I went through facebook and went through all the girls that I think are enticing. Now I wasn't checking them out, I was more or less reminiscing about good times and good conversations that I may have had with each particular woman (that I find attractive). The thing that weirds me out is that these conversations were all different, but they still carried the same amount of pleasure received. It just left me thinking to myself, "What makes a girl drop dead attractive?" (while ignoring all superficial aspects) I mean given the situation is that I'm talking to this girl. It's just weird sometimes how you can be so drawn into a conversation and then all of a sudden be compelled to ask for her number because you want more. Or you can just shy away from the number idea and just wait till you're next encounter, all done to avoid looking creepy. You end up leaving whatever establishment where the encounter took place only thinking about how great you're conversation was. Thinking of how awesome this girl was. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? I'm usually so cautious about trying NOT to fall for girls so easily, but forreal, some girls are just so good at this. Either way, they still cross my mind only to make me anticipate our next meeting. Hopefully I'll walk away with a number this time.
Hopefully... lol.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
One Year
Saviour King - Hillsong United
From the Inside Out - Hillsong United
So in a year's length...
I took SE
I took LSS
I auxied 2 SE's
I auxied an LSS
I facilitated a YE
I bought a guitar
I picked up my trumpet again
I started writing again
I made an attempt to write a song
I went vegetarian for 59 days (WEAK)
I want to go back to being a vegetarian.
I discovered my love for fruits
I discovered peaches are one of God's greatest creations
I coordinated a skit for China Nite
I stepped outside of my comfort zone
I've laughed my hardest
I got over my fear of meeting strangers
I've put myself in situations where I didn't know anyone...only to walk away with a good number of new friends.
I'm going to see Hillsong United this friday.
I transferred schools
I made magna cum laude status
I lost magna cum laude status
I've made it a point to be magna cum laude by the time I graduate.
I couldn't be happier with my choice of major
I started to work with my prof. in his lab
I found that the girls should just try and find me
I fell in love, with CHEMISTRY.
In reality... I'm just trying to have a good time.
Err, hmm...
So I just realized that this was pretty much a random date to be posting something like this up. I guess I was just thinking about the past 12 months since I took SE and just see what I've done with myself since then. You know looking at this list, I don't feel like the loser that I usually feel like (at least when I'm sitting around doing nothing).
I work hard but it never feels like work. That's probably why it feels like I'm not doing anything with my life 24/7. I always viewed myself as one of those characters who couldn't tell the difference between work and play. I'm even starting to believe that at some point they fused together. You know that's a really nice blessing. God made me a hard worker, but bottom line is, it doesn't feel like work. I remember I went to an early mass a couple weeks ago. The priests homily was about work and he talked about how you should love what your doing. I remember I couldn't help but smile throughout the whole homily only because I kept thinking "THAT IS SO ME". I guess it's true, not everyone says that they love their major/job/work/school. It's nice not having to feel like you do something that you hate everyday. I just kinda hope that it stays this way. I don't know what I'd do if I ended up with a job that I hate.
I'm really happy with what I'm doing. It just feels so right you know?
So, unlike a year ago. I remain hopeful and happy. Before a year ago, I wanted to do great things. I still feel that way. I'm more ambitious than ever and I have more support than ever. Nothing can stop me.
From the Inside Out - Hillsong United
So in a year's length...
I took SE
I took LSS
I auxied 2 SE's
I auxied an LSS
I facilitated a YE
I bought a guitar
I picked up my trumpet again
I started writing again
I made an attempt to write a song
I went vegetarian for 59 days (WEAK)
I want to go back to being a vegetarian.
I discovered my love for fruits
I discovered peaches are one of God's greatest creations
I coordinated a skit for China Nite
I stepped outside of my comfort zone
I've laughed my hardest
I got over my fear of meeting strangers
I've put myself in situations where I didn't know anyone...only to walk away with a good number of new friends.
I'm going to see Hillsong United this friday.
I transferred schools
I made magna cum laude status
I lost magna cum laude status
I've made it a point to be magna cum laude by the time I graduate.
I couldn't be happier with my choice of major
I started to work with my prof. in his lab
I found that the girls should just try and find me
I fell in love, with CHEMISTRY.
In reality... I'm just trying to have a good time.
Err, hmm...
So I just realized that this was pretty much a random date to be posting something like this up. I guess I was just thinking about the past 12 months since I took SE and just see what I've done with myself since then. You know looking at this list, I don't feel like the loser that I usually feel like (at least when I'm sitting around doing nothing).
I work hard but it never feels like work. That's probably why it feels like I'm not doing anything with my life 24/7. I always viewed myself as one of those characters who couldn't tell the difference between work and play. I'm even starting to believe that at some point they fused together. You know that's a really nice blessing. God made me a hard worker, but bottom line is, it doesn't feel like work. I remember I went to an early mass a couple weeks ago. The priests homily was about work and he talked about how you should love what your doing. I remember I couldn't help but smile throughout the whole homily only because I kept thinking "THAT IS SO ME". I guess it's true, not everyone says that they love their major/job/work/school. It's nice not having to feel like you do something that you hate everyday. I just kinda hope that it stays this way. I don't know what I'd do if I ended up with a job that I hate.
I'm really happy with what I'm doing. It just feels so right you know?
So, unlike a year ago. I remain hopeful and happy. Before a year ago, I wanted to do great things. I still feel that way. I'm more ambitious than ever and I have more support than ever. Nothing can stop me.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Aesthetic
I really haven't written lately, probably cause I'm lazy. There's class tomorrow, I always pick the worst times to do this.
Anyway,
I haven't had much time to contemplate life. I remember when I just used to sit here and think, about life. Why? Cause there's nothing else to think about. You're mind just tends to wander yanno? I don't do that anymore, and it's probably due to the fact that I'm trying to get out there and just experience everything.
Apparently, this is what happens when you start to experience more of life instead of sitting there trying to evaluate and make reasons for anything that needs a reason. I mean, it does make sense though, you won't find your reasons unless you find out for yourself what the experience is like. It sounds easy, but it's not THAT easy.
That's why I dropped my quests to find reasons for everything that needs a reason. Well, I might as well drop all the other quests, because there's no point. It's like trying to get a date. Every time you fail you're only going to feel bad about yourself and tell yourself horrible things about yourself that probably aren't true. You're only hurting yourself. See there's no point in hurting yourself because of the obvious. It stops you from smiling. It stops you from laughing. It makes you cry. There's no point, because it stops you from enjoying what life truly has to offer. Life does not suck, It's the way we carry ourselves that make it or break it.
If you ask me about the dating game now:
As far as I'm concerned, I KNOW I'm not Brad Pitt, but I also know that I'm not hopeless.
Learn by experience and have fun doing it. I guess it's just a matter of keeping life to the minimum of just having good times with good people. In the end you just end up seeing a lot of beautiful things.
Thank GOD, I know and love a lot of good people.
Anyway,
I haven't had much time to contemplate life. I remember when I just used to sit here and think, about life. Why? Cause there's nothing else to think about. You're mind just tends to wander yanno? I don't do that anymore, and it's probably due to the fact that I'm trying to get out there and just experience everything.
Apparently, this is what happens when you start to experience more of life instead of sitting there trying to evaluate and make reasons for anything that needs a reason. I mean, it does make sense though, you won't find your reasons unless you find out for yourself what the experience is like. It sounds easy, but it's not THAT easy.
That's why I dropped my quests to find reasons for everything that needs a reason. Well, I might as well drop all the other quests, because there's no point. It's like trying to get a date. Every time you fail you're only going to feel bad about yourself and tell yourself horrible things about yourself that probably aren't true. You're only hurting yourself. See there's no point in hurting yourself because of the obvious. It stops you from smiling. It stops you from laughing. It makes you cry. There's no point, because it stops you from enjoying what life truly has to offer. Life does not suck, It's the way we carry ourselves that make it or break it.
If you ask me about the dating game now:
As far as I'm concerned, I KNOW I'm not Brad Pitt, but I also know that I'm not hopeless.
Learn by experience and have fun doing it. I guess it's just a matter of keeping life to the minimum of just having good times with good people. In the end you just end up seeing a lot of beautiful things.
Thank GOD, I know and love a lot of good people.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
5:44 a.m.
It's the time I've been waking up every morning since school ended. I think there might be something wrong with me.
Friday, May 8, 2009
3:34 a.m.
http://www.imeem.com/butzpeteza/playlist/o8PF92op/hillsong-united-all-of-the-above-music-playlist/
I always listen to the last track repeatedly for 6 hours straight. I KID YOU NOT!
So I finally finished all my Analytical Chem Labs.(Anal Chem for short and yes, it does live up to it's name) and well, obviously China Nite's been over for the past 3 weeks now They were both pretty tough to handle. Too bad life's only going to get more harder and testy. Who cares though? I honestly think the level of difficulty is NEVER a sufficient excuse. Besides are challenges really a bad thing? ;D
But anyway, back to Anal Chem... Yeah it's a class, but did you ever think you can learn more than what's stated in the course description? Like more about yourself perhaps? Or maybe a class that kinda changes you. To be honest, I feel different, and the culprit is Anal Chem.
So how different do I feel?
Well, I never had problems academic wise that I couldn't handle and I would rarely ask for help. (Really I could only think of 2-3 instances where I actually asked before this class came around) So being me, I walked my little environmental science self into a class filled with all Chem. majors. I was intimidated. They were smart, they all understood the material, and they all seemed to know each other very well. Nothing new to me, except, I couldn't figure anything out the first few weeks. From there, it kind of just built up and well I ended up getting to know 85% of the class just because I was the shy, quiet Asian kid with glasses who always needed help. They were all willing to help me, they were all so kind, and they really helped me get through this class. (and there was this one girl who was really cute) I can't thank them enough.
I'm not used to asking for help and I just don't do it, not because of pride, but because I'm so used to traveling alone. It's all I know, it's all I've experienced (this is not me being angry, or emo). I just never receive things so when I do it just makes me feel weird and I'm just not used to it. However, this class has kind of taught me that if you don't know, then someone else probably does. To my own surprise, towards the end of the semester, I became that somebody else.
So, yeah I'm Marvin and to me life's one huge ass class with so much to learn. And now I think there's more to learn every time you ask someone for help.
Knowing me, I don't want to stop learning....
ever.
I always listen to the last track repeatedly for 6 hours straight. I KID YOU NOT!
So I finally finished all my Analytical Chem Labs.(Anal Chem for short and yes, it does live up to it's name) and well, obviously China Nite's been over for the past 3 weeks now They were both pretty tough to handle. Too bad life's only going to get more harder and testy. Who cares though? I honestly think the level of difficulty is NEVER a sufficient excuse. Besides are challenges really a bad thing? ;D
But anyway, back to Anal Chem... Yeah it's a class, but did you ever think you can learn more than what's stated in the course description? Like more about yourself perhaps? Or maybe a class that kinda changes you. To be honest, I feel different, and the culprit is Anal Chem.
So how different do I feel?
Well, I never had problems academic wise that I couldn't handle and I would rarely ask for help. (Really I could only think of 2-3 instances where I actually asked before this class came around) So being me, I walked my little environmental science self into a class filled with all Chem. majors. I was intimidated. They were smart, they all understood the material, and they all seemed to know each other very well. Nothing new to me, except, I couldn't figure anything out the first few weeks. From there, it kind of just built up and well I ended up getting to know 85% of the class just because I was the shy, quiet Asian kid with glasses who always needed help. They were all willing to help me, they were all so kind, and they really helped me get through this class. (and there was this one girl who was really cute) I can't thank them enough.
I'm not used to asking for help and I just don't do it, not because of pride, but because I'm so used to traveling alone. It's all I know, it's all I've experienced (this is not me being angry, or emo). I just never receive things so when I do it just makes me feel weird and I'm just not used to it. However, this class has kind of taught me that if you don't know, then someone else probably does. To my own surprise, towards the end of the semester, I became that somebody else.
So, yeah I'm Marvin and to me life's one huge ass class with so much to learn. And now I think there's more to learn every time you ask someone for help.
Knowing me, I don't want to stop learning....
ever.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Jar
For every time I say "I can't", I should list two things that I know and put it in a jar (So at least I can remind myself that I'm not stupid). I swear this phrase is just so toxic. You never notice it, but once you do, it's already too late and by that time you're already dead.
Am I dead yet?
I don't actually know where I stand in this game of espionage and assassins. HOWEVER I DO KNOW that 35,000 of the 70,000 known chemicals are potentially/definitely dangerous and hazardous to human health. The worst part is, that some of these chemicals are dangerous in parts per billion or aka small quantities. Very small quantities. Which only leads me to think, which out of the billions of known phrases out there are actually potentially/definitely harmful to me. Forget the espionage, forget the assassins, anyone can say these things how I take it just really depends on what I'm thinking at the time.
bleh...
Am I dead yet?
I don't actually know where I stand in this game of espionage and assassins. HOWEVER I DO KNOW that 35,000 of the 70,000 known chemicals are potentially/definitely dangerous and hazardous to human health. The worst part is, that some of these chemicals are dangerous in parts per billion or aka small quantities. Very small quantities. Which only leads me to think, which out of the billions of known phrases out there are actually potentially/definitely harmful to me. Forget the espionage, forget the assassins, anyone can say these things how I take it just really depends on what I'm thinking at the time.
bleh...
Monday, March 23, 2009
That's Cheating!
Yeah more or less, using google or any type of internet search/stalker tool is some sort of cheating. I'd have to agree, though I am guilty of committing this act quite often. Either way, it's more fun acquiring knowledge about a person just by asking them. I'm sure people love to talk about themselves and they have great things to say. So why steal that opportunity to find out by using google? Yeah this means YOU. I'm gonna start trying to avoid inserting my peers into the google search box. Of course you know there's always the names like Tila Tequila that probably won't stay outside of that box, but she's not my peer. Lol, so please tell me about yourself I'd like to hear what you have to say.
"So tell me about yourself." I actually use this line, works like a charm ;)
"So tell me about yourself." I actually use this line, works like a charm ;)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Rule #1
NEVER GENERALIZE PEOPLE
It's sucks because no two people are the same. So stop doing it, every time I see it, I just get pissed off. IGNORANCE rahhh!
It's sucks because no two people are the same. So stop doing it, every time I see it, I just get pissed off. IGNORANCE rahhh!
Friday, March 6, 2009
Pet Peeves
I have a voice and a select list of pet peeves. When you put them together you get a rather interesting list.
Here's that list:
I hate it when...
Napkins
...people take a billion napkins, use 2, and throw away the rest. I MEAN COM'ON AT LEAST FREAKING DRAW ON THE OTHER 999,999,998 NAPKINS THAT YOU DIDN'T USE. Or write someone some love letter, OR FUCKING BE CREATIVE AND TURN THAT SHIT INTO SOME OUTFIT. wasteful wasteful wasteful. UGH!
Timing
...I'm late. I absolutely positively hate being late. I mean I have things to do, people to see and my time is worth something. Your time should be worth something too. So why be late? It's like throwing away money knowing you'll never get it back. This is why, I'm usually irritated when the timing's off. FUCKING BE ON TIME. Yeah okay, life happens I KNOW. BUT LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE TIME YOUR'RE FUCKING LATE. Come on time and most certainly don't waste it.
Short Notice
...people tell me things last minute. WTF?! I LIKE BEING PREPARED FOR THINGS. I can understand if there's certain circumstances surrounding the notice. BUT FORREAL IF IT'S AVOIDABLE, AVOID IT! DAMN
lol this is kinda fun.
Music
...people who play guitar or some shit (mostly guitar) don't know how to read sheet music. To me it's really hollow and i don't understand how you can call yourself a musician if you don't even know how the chords you're playing are structured (and i'm not even talking about chord progessions, I'm talking about roots, thirds, and fifths that harmonize with each other to make a chord). It's even worse when you don't even know what notes are and where on the fretboard, not even one of your damn scales (NOT SHAPES FUCKING SCALES!), and what a fucking half-step is! FUCK! GUITAR TABS ARE THE DEATH OF MUSIC THEORY! FUCKING CHEATERS DAMMIT!
Chairs
...people don't push their chairs in. FUCKING PUSH YOUR DAMN CHAIR IN! I don't wanna have to walk in-between tables only to trip over every damn fucking chair that YOU forgot to fucking push in. It's either that or I have to push your damn chair in just to get through. JUST PUSH IN YOUR DAMN CHAIR AFTER YOU GET UP SO I CAN GET THROUGH. I'm not your fucking mom.
Slow drivers
...I'm caught behind a slow ass driver. I swear these types of drivers travel in fucking packs. It's understandable when it's in a local area and you don't wanna get pulled over, but when your on the highway, I hate seeing 3 drivers, in all three damn lanes, going the same damn speed. It's insane, and it sucks cause drivers like me seem to collect behind this pack of slow drivers.
Hmm that's all I could think of I guess. Hehe this would make a great facebook chain letter. Hmm...
Here's that list:
I hate it when...
Napkins
...people take a billion napkins, use 2, and throw away the rest. I MEAN COM'ON AT LEAST FREAKING DRAW ON THE OTHER 999,999,998 NAPKINS THAT YOU DIDN'T USE. Or write someone some love letter, OR FUCKING BE CREATIVE AND TURN THAT SHIT INTO SOME OUTFIT. wasteful wasteful wasteful. UGH!
Timing
...I'm late. I absolutely positively hate being late. I mean I have things to do, people to see and my time is worth something. Your time should be worth something too. So why be late? It's like throwing away money knowing you'll never get it back. This is why, I'm usually irritated when the timing's off. FUCKING BE ON TIME. Yeah okay, life happens I KNOW. BUT LIFE DOESN'T ALWAYS HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE TIME YOUR'RE FUCKING LATE. Come on time and most certainly don't waste it.
Short Notice
...people tell me things last minute. WTF?! I LIKE BEING PREPARED FOR THINGS. I can understand if there's certain circumstances surrounding the notice. BUT FORREAL IF IT'S AVOIDABLE, AVOID IT! DAMN
lol this is kinda fun.
Music
...people who play guitar or some shit (mostly guitar) don't know how to read sheet music. To me it's really hollow and i don't understand how you can call yourself a musician if you don't even know how the chords you're playing are structured (and i'm not even talking about chord progessions, I'm talking about roots, thirds, and fifths that harmonize with each other to make a chord). It's even worse when you don't even know what notes are and where on the fretboard, not even one of your damn scales (NOT SHAPES FUCKING SCALES!), and what a fucking half-step is! FUCK! GUITAR TABS ARE THE DEATH OF MUSIC THEORY! FUCKING CHEATERS DAMMIT!
Chairs
...people don't push their chairs in. FUCKING PUSH YOUR DAMN CHAIR IN! I don't wanna have to walk in-between tables only to trip over every damn fucking chair that YOU forgot to fucking push in. It's either that or I have to push your damn chair in just to get through. JUST PUSH IN YOUR DAMN CHAIR AFTER YOU GET UP SO I CAN GET THROUGH. I'm not your fucking mom.
Slow drivers
...I'm caught behind a slow ass driver. I swear these types of drivers travel in fucking packs. It's understandable when it's in a local area and you don't wanna get pulled over, but when your on the highway, I hate seeing 3 drivers, in all three damn lanes, going the same damn speed. It's insane, and it sucks cause drivers like me seem to collect behind this pack of slow drivers.
Hmm that's all I could think of I guess. Hehe this would make a great facebook chain letter. Hmm...
Monday, March 2, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Turning Tables
So the tables have turned...
I'm in a position I haven't seen in awhile. I'm back to being the absolute slacker that I was back awhile back. I've been failing quiz after quiz and it sucks. It hasn't hit me yet, but it needs to hit me soon and hard. So hard that I bleed, that I submit, and I cry. It is there I should stay crying until forever says to stop.
That's how it should be.
That's where I should be.
So that I'm just laying there, staring up.
It's Lent, and what did Jesus do? He spent 40 days in the desert. It's hot, unforgiving, dry. No man can keep his sanity and even on top of that...the ever present evil was whispering into his ear the whole time. The situation almost felt hopeless but perseverance always endured.
I need to do better, WE need to do better. Yes the desert is hot, and yes it's dry. But it's only in the desert that the skies are clearest. Sometimes it feels like, you need to be broken down. To truly realize what you're looking for.
and that's what I need. I found my desert, I found my clear skies. I just need to move, persevere, and endure.
Oh...
I can do this...
I can do this..
BECAUSE I LIKE TO THINK I'M UNTOUCHABLE.
and I am...as long as God is the reason and center for all my endeavors.
Go get'em kid. raawwr!
I'm in a position I haven't seen in awhile. I'm back to being the absolute slacker that I was back awhile back. I've been failing quiz after quiz and it sucks. It hasn't hit me yet, but it needs to hit me soon and hard. So hard that I bleed, that I submit, and I cry. It is there I should stay crying until forever says to stop.
That's how it should be.
That's where I should be.
So that I'm just laying there, staring up.
It's Lent, and what did Jesus do? He spent 40 days in the desert. It's hot, unforgiving, dry. No man can keep his sanity and even on top of that...the ever present evil was whispering into his ear the whole time. The situation almost felt hopeless but perseverance always endured.
I need to do better, WE need to do better. Yes the desert is hot, and yes it's dry. But it's only in the desert that the skies are clearest. Sometimes it feels like, you need to be broken down. To truly realize what you're looking for.
and that's what I need. I found my desert, I found my clear skies. I just need to move, persevere, and endure.
Oh...
I can do this...
I can do this..
BECAUSE I LIKE TO THINK I'M UNTOUCHABLE.
and I am...as long as God is the reason and center for all my endeavors.
Go get'em kid. raawwr!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Uncertainty...
Well now, I have a court date in 2 days. I'm nervous, I was caught speeding in the mean streets of Bloomfield. Instead of giving me a ticket he gave me two, the officer also suggested that it would be better to go to court. Great... I guess it's just a reminder that I need to be less reckless and of course, watch my speed. Err, but I still don't want to go to court. How lazy of me....
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Almost Robotic
"life can be shit, but that moment everything else is gone
and you smile
'cause it's all you can do
and you give in
until sleep claims you"
and you smile
'cause it's all you can do
and you give in
until sleep claims you"
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Curious...
As if I wasn't annoying already... I went around asking couples what they were doing for V-day and it actually turns out that 1 out of the 3 couples I asked, is actually doing something romantic and they don't even have something really big planned.
Either way, it seems like everyone, (except the ones who are feeling sorry for themselves) is just treating it like it's just another day. It's February 14th, definitely NOT Valentine's day. What makes Valentine's day so special that you need to spend it with someone? Why can't you do that any other day, say...February 19th? or March 17? Or November 15? (That last one's my birthday ;]... you all should spend it with me) I guess the point I'm trying to make, is that I hate how people who dread this holiday are the ones who anticipate it more than the people who actually enjoy it and don't plan til the day of or in some cases...this past Thursday. Like I can understand if you just broke up with someone, but on the real, feeling sorry for yourself just isn't going to help anyone. I'm sure we all know this, but some of us like to... flip the ignorance switch on. Why can't you forget the fact that it's Valentine's day at all. Just go out with your friends, you love them anyway so it's got to count for something.
For real, from a single 21 year old male, just to vent for a second. No one really cares how much you hate this holiday. 'Cause bottom line is... it's a holiday that was created with the best of intentions.
This actually reminds me of a blog I wrote back in high school. I'd copy and paste it here but I deleted that blog (xanga) like three years ago. Well anyway it was about something I like to refer as "social prefixes" and how we give them to certain people to show signs of their stature in the social hierarchy that you envision in your own head. Like some of them would include best-friend, fuck-buddy, boy-friend, girl-friend, etc. And rightfully so, we would assign them to the appropriate people. I still like to think about it like I did back then, I don't really like to categorize my friends like they sit in some file cabinet somewhere, all in alphabetical order. There are cases where the status needs to be known, like the case of the girl-friend, you really don't want anyone blowing on her and not know she's already been swept away by a greater gust of wind. Other than that though, I really think all my friends mean something to me, they're worth something, and there's always something to learn from everyone. So why categorize? The levels that most of us hold our friends to be don't even matter. Just because everyone is capable of teaching just as much as they're capable of learning.
This should really be called "Friend Appreciation Day"
(haha at first I thought it should be called "Friend Honorable Mention Day")
Either way, it seems like everyone, (except the ones who are feeling sorry for themselves) is just treating it like it's just another day. It's February 14th, definitely NOT Valentine's day. What makes Valentine's day so special that you need to spend it with someone? Why can't you do that any other day, say...February 19th? or March 17? Or November 15? (That last one's my birthday ;]... you all should spend it with me) I guess the point I'm trying to make, is that I hate how people who dread this holiday are the ones who anticipate it more than the people who actually enjoy it and don't plan til the day of or in some cases...this past Thursday. Like I can understand if you just broke up with someone, but on the real, feeling sorry for yourself just isn't going to help anyone. I'm sure we all know this, but some of us like to... flip the ignorance switch on. Why can't you forget the fact that it's Valentine's day at all. Just go out with your friends, you love them anyway so it's got to count for something.
For real, from a single 21 year old male, just to vent for a second. No one really cares how much you hate this holiday. 'Cause bottom line is... it's a holiday that was created with the best of intentions.
This actually reminds me of a blog I wrote back in high school. I'd copy and paste it here but I deleted that blog (xanga) like three years ago. Well anyway it was about something I like to refer as "social prefixes" and how we give them to certain people to show signs of their stature in the social hierarchy that you envision in your own head. Like some of them would include best-friend, fuck-buddy, boy-friend, girl-friend, etc. And rightfully so, we would assign them to the appropriate people. I still like to think about it like I did back then, I don't really like to categorize my friends like they sit in some file cabinet somewhere, all in alphabetical order. There are cases where the status needs to be known, like the case of the girl-friend, you really don't want anyone blowing on her and not know she's already been swept away by a greater gust of wind. Other than that though, I really think all my friends mean something to me, they're worth something, and there's always something to learn from everyone. So why categorize? The levels that most of us hold our friends to be don't even matter. Just because everyone is capable of teaching just as much as they're capable of learning.
This should really be called "Friend Appreciation Day"
(haha at first I thought it should be called "Friend Honorable Mention Day")
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wishing
Dear readers,
So monday again and as I wait for class I'm kind of wishing I had something to read. Not like a book per say but like something short. I guess...hah
Writings amazing, especially if it's done by one of your peers. I feel like the more that a person writes, the more they let you into their lives. I like that, I'm all about the "let's put myself out there without regard to social inhibition" kind of attitude or the even better "Lets be reckless and build up cities from the debris we left behind" so that everyone has a place to live. Every time someone writes (publicly) it's like an open invitation into the buffet you would like to call your innermost thought processes and just like any buffet, you're free to take as much as you please until your satisfied. I don't know how many time's I've wandered into another persons blog just to go through their entries all the way back to like 2006. It's kind of stalkerish, I know, but it's really my way of getting to know you. (because I have a tendency to make things awkward.)
Awkward as in...err....Like if I was to ("hypothetically") admit to feeling inspired by some of your blogs you'd probably think I was some kind of creepy kid. Cause that's how I feel sometimes...... (that's hypothetically ...of course)
It's kind of like any other thing really, someone told me a good way to get to know people was through basketball. Oddly enough through much encounters, you eventually get to know the persons style of playing, whether or not he'll drive left or right, or if he likes to be a ball hog or not. You know, that whole piece of the pie.
So with that said, I guess I'm just complaining because I've been through most of your blogs already (even if I don't follow you) haha... as well as some strangers. I think the thing that I enjoy most is, seeing everyones style of writing things. Like some of you love using big words, some of you like to write rather epic stories of your day, some of you like to write poems, others like to structure your blogs in some creative manner by using things like Bold or Italics to emphasize your thoughts and ideas, and some like to engage in something I call "mind vomit" just because it will keep bothering them throughout the day if they don't put it somewhere.
I feel you, I feel all of you whenever I read your blogs.
This is like...
some...
kinda...
mind stimulating
word gallery.
Where we all puts our 'works' on display and raw thought is our form of art.
Sometimes even in glass cases...
-Marvin
So monday again and as I wait for class I'm kind of wishing I had something to read. Not like a book per say but like something short. I guess...hah
Writings amazing, especially if it's done by one of your peers. I feel like the more that a person writes, the more they let you into their lives. I like that, I'm all about the "let's put myself out there without regard to social inhibition" kind of attitude or the even better "Lets be reckless and build up cities from the debris we left behind" so that everyone has a place to live. Every time someone writes (publicly) it's like an open invitation into the buffet you would like to call your innermost thought processes and just like any buffet, you're free to take as much as you please until your satisfied. I don't know how many time's I've wandered into another persons blog just to go through their entries all the way back to like 2006. It's kind of stalkerish, I know, but it's really my way of getting to know you. (because I have a tendency to make things awkward.)
Awkward as in...err....Like if I was to ("hypothetically") admit to feeling inspired by some of your blogs you'd probably think I was some kind of creepy kid. Cause that's how I feel sometimes...... (that's hypothetically ...of course)
It's kind of like any other thing really, someone told me a good way to get to know people was through basketball. Oddly enough through much encounters, you eventually get to know the persons style of playing, whether or not he'll drive left or right, or if he likes to be a ball hog or not. You know, that whole piece of the pie.
So with that said, I guess I'm just complaining because I've been through most of your blogs already (even if I don't follow you) haha... as well as some strangers. I think the thing that I enjoy most is, seeing everyones style of writing things. Like some of you love using big words, some of you like to write rather epic stories of your day, some of you like to write poems, others like to structure your blogs in some creative manner by using things like Bold or Italics to emphasize your thoughts and ideas, and some like to engage in something I call "mind vomit" just because it will keep bothering them throughout the day if they don't put it somewhere.
I feel you, I feel all of you whenever I read your blogs.
This is like...
some...
kinda...
mind stimulating
word gallery.
Where we all puts our 'works' on display and raw thought is our form of art.
Sometimes even in glass cases...
-Marvin
Friday, February 6, 2009
Waiting
Lab is about to begin, to think 5 hours of it would kill you.
To be honest, it's one of the only times I feel alive.
There's something out there, waiting to be found...
by none other than me.
To be honest, it's one of the only times I feel alive.
There's something out there, waiting to be found...
by none other than me.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Untitled
Dear Blank Sheet,
Sometimes it just gets to you, you're free and then all of a sudden massive chains wrap around your body and drag you helplessly in the dark abyss of it all. Here you'll probably awake hours later seeing nothing, hearing nothing, and eventually realizing that there is nothing. Nothing but a faint light directly above you and all you do is stare at it and try to concoct ingenious ways of attaining of reaching that light. It might just be your way out. Hmm... you'd rather not waste your time though, What if it's a fluke or a flaw in the design of this abyss? What if it's just a lightbulb? Then what would happen if you reached it? Would you take it out, replace it? Haha... you'd have to reach it first. Good thing there isn't any books around, you wouldn't find your answers in them anyway, now if I only had a paper and a pen...
Scratch that... uhm...
Have you ever tried to analyze curiosity? I feel like I can take your head off, cut a small hole, and stick your hand in there (There's no way i'd put my own hand on the line, that shit's gross). What would you find? Wouldn't you like to know? The idea of the idea of just knowing seems to tingle my own curiosity. I would like to know why I like to know things. Knowledge is endless and you'll never get to the end of this battle. So why bother? Why do we strive to know more? Things were simple and then as we discovered more, more things got complicated. Who knows what more knowledge could do to our society? Humans had to extend the reaches of their knowledge to bed, bath, and beyond. It'd probably be easier if we just stopped at bed and kept it there. We know that knowledge is limitless, but maybe at some point, we should put a limit. Just as a precaution as to not destroy ourselves.
And so... hold me tightly...
May 5th 2008, I read that thing again for about the millionth time I can't believe I still don't have a title for it. This was back when I used to enjoy writing and had hours of fun inventing new and witty points. Expanding my vocabulary and raping the thesaurus, in hopes it would give birth to me some new and exciting words, so that I can show them to all my non-existent readers (except myself cause I know I exsist) so they can feed my fat baby boy, coincidentally named Ego. Wait I didn't have any readers. It was nice feeding him myself haha. It was all for myself and for only one purpose, So I can whisper "I'm the shit" over and over again til my eyelids fell heavy over two of the things that are an unconscious reminder of my very own, damn existence. I had no one to impress back then, I was so carefree of self-consciousness. Back then I could pull out ideas on demand, now-a-days I feel like I just shit them out whenever there's a need for such an intense release.
I still don't have anyone to impress, but on the contrary, it's nice to be aiming for something instead of just shooting blindly.
And just like May 5th's entry, I can't come up with a title for this. I really miss the fun I used to have every time I wrote. So this was my attempt to attain that writer's high that I always used to get.
So... Did I get it? I'd rather keep it to myself.
Sincerely, (While still swallowing myself)
-"Starvin" Marvin
Sometimes it just gets to you, you're free and then all of a sudden massive chains wrap around your body and drag you helplessly in the dark abyss of it all. Here you'll probably awake hours later seeing nothing, hearing nothing, and eventually realizing that there is nothing. Nothing but a faint light directly above you and all you do is stare at it and try to concoct ingenious ways of attaining of reaching that light. It might just be your way out. Hmm... you'd rather not waste your time though, What if it's a fluke or a flaw in the design of this abyss? What if it's just a lightbulb? Then what would happen if you reached it? Would you take it out, replace it? Haha... you'd have to reach it first. Good thing there isn't any books around, you wouldn't find your answers in them anyway, now if I only had a paper and a pen...
Scratch that... uhm...
Have you ever tried to analyze curiosity? I feel like I can take your head off, cut a small hole, and stick your hand in there (There's no way i'd put my own hand on the line, that shit's gross). What would you find? Wouldn't you like to know? The idea of the idea of just knowing seems to tingle my own curiosity. I would like to know why I like to know things. Knowledge is endless and you'll never get to the end of this battle. So why bother? Why do we strive to know more? Things were simple and then as we discovered more, more things got complicated. Who knows what more knowledge could do to our society? Humans had to extend the reaches of their knowledge to bed, bath, and beyond. It'd probably be easier if we just stopped at bed and kept it there. We know that knowledge is limitless, but maybe at some point, we should put a limit. Just as a precaution as to not destroy ourselves.
And so... hold me tightly...
May 5th 2008, I read that thing again for about the millionth time I can't believe I still don't have a title for it. This was back when I used to enjoy writing and had hours of fun inventing new and witty points. Expanding my vocabulary and raping the thesaurus, in hopes it would give birth to me some new and exciting words, so that I can show them to all my non-existent readers (except myself cause I know I exsist) so they can feed my fat baby boy, coincidentally named Ego. Wait I didn't have any readers. It was nice feeding him myself haha. It was all for myself and for only one purpose, So I can whisper "I'm the shit" over and over again til my eyelids fell heavy over two of the things that are an unconscious reminder of my very own, damn existence. I had no one to impress back then, I was so carefree of self-consciousness. Back then I could pull out ideas on demand, now-a-days I feel like I just shit them out whenever there's a need for such an intense release.
I still don't have anyone to impress, but on the contrary, it's nice to be aiming for something instead of just shooting blindly.
And just like May 5th's entry, I can't come up with a title for this. I really miss the fun I used to have every time I wrote. So this was my attempt to attain that writer's high that I always used to get.
So... Did I get it? I'd rather keep it to myself.
Sincerely, (While still swallowing myself)
-"Starvin" Marvin
Friday, January 30, 2009
Written...
It just came back to me, one of my professors told me (while i was back in Essex), that only lonely people write. I'm writing about it now because it crossed my mind again....obviously. It's kind of funny, it was only like a year ago since I heard it and I still haven't found the answer to whether this is true or not.
I mean I kind of want to agree.. but at the same time I don't want to admit I'm lonely just because I write in here. That's the problem sometimes, I went through all my old entries and I noticed, I would write about things I could never normally bring up in a casual conversation. Maybe I like to write in here because no one else would listen? Technically that doesn't make me lonely...but it leaves me alone. Sometimes most people don't share the same interests, if I talked about everything I wanted to I'd probably bore you to death with my sustainability and environment talk.
I don't know, I don't like to admit I'm a lonely person, but at the same time... I'm writing in here because I don't have anyone to talk to and it's not like I'm emo and I need someone to talk me out of cleaning out orange bottles. No I just need to talk to someone just to have a conversation, like I don't stop thinking about things and I love having conversation. It's just, I don't get enough of it. I always feel like I need some kind of mental stimulation without having to read hundreds of pages, without taking gratuitous amounts of drugs, or without entering in a state of inebriation. I'm the kind of person that prefers his fun... sober without effort.
Oh yeah but wait, this is college.
I mean I kind of want to agree.. but at the same time I don't want to admit I'm lonely just because I write in here. That's the problem sometimes, I went through all my old entries and I noticed, I would write about things I could never normally bring up in a casual conversation. Maybe I like to write in here because no one else would listen? Technically that doesn't make me lonely...but it leaves me alone. Sometimes most people don't share the same interests, if I talked about everything I wanted to I'd probably bore you to death with my sustainability and environment talk.
I don't know, I don't like to admit I'm a lonely person, but at the same time... I'm writing in here because I don't have anyone to talk to and it's not like I'm emo and I need someone to talk me out of cleaning out orange bottles. No I just need to talk to someone just to have a conversation, like I don't stop thinking about things and I love having conversation. It's just, I don't get enough of it. I always feel like I need some kind of mental stimulation without having to read hundreds of pages, without taking gratuitous amounts of drugs, or without entering in a state of inebriation. I'm the kind of person that prefers his fun... sober without effort.
Oh yeah but wait, this is college.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Happy Monday's
How unlikely and uncommon. How does one escape the drag of a Monday? I woke up today at 7:11 this morning and rolled around in bed until 7:46. I catch the bus at 7:55 so that I'm on time for my 8:30 Enviro. Geo. Lab. I couldn't make it though so I had to wait for the 8:12 bus, thus making me arrive at my lab at 8:38...2 minutes before the first day of Enviro. Geo. Lab ends. Talk about close calls.
I was hoping to catch the 7:55 bus this morning, but I have a serious case of the lazies, Aka Sloth. Yes like always, my never ending relationship with this woman will most likely never cease to exist. Like mentioned before, it's a love/hate thing that no one likes to be intertwined with (but you know to our misfortune, we all are). I mean yeah I did wake up at 7:11 this morning, but it felt so good just to lay in her arms for the 35 minutes that I did. She's so inviting, warm, loving, and always there when I need her. That's also the problem, She's always there! Sometimes things need to happen and things need to get done. I can't have her get in the way all the time. What a constant reminder on how the best things are probably the most worst for you (as far as your well being goes). But you know, sometimes I just have to get over it, get over "her", get over myself, and "carpe diem".
Hah, "carpe diem", I'm not usually the one who lives by quotes (or at least I don't like to listen to them). I mean it kind of bothers me to live by someone else's words. Even if they are very true and... very true. I don't know, it feels like an itch that you can't scratch, I mean it bothers me but there's not much I can do about it only because it's all true. Maybe it's my way of trying to be myself I guess (or even trying to prevent something or something? eh...). On the other hand, I probably won't learn anything if I don't stay open minded and learn what I can by others. Cause' at the same time, I still believe everyone has something to contribute.
Contradictions Contradictions... I'll never win this game.
Oh yeah, more brilliant idea's below
I was hoping to catch the 7:55 bus this morning, but I have a serious case of the lazies, Aka Sloth. Yes like always, my never ending relationship with this woman will most likely never cease to exist. Like mentioned before, it's a love/hate thing that no one likes to be intertwined with (but you know to our misfortune, we all are). I mean yeah I did wake up at 7:11 this morning, but it felt so good just to lay in her arms for the 35 minutes that I did. She's so inviting, warm, loving, and always there when I need her. That's also the problem, She's always there! Sometimes things need to happen and things need to get done. I can't have her get in the way all the time. What a constant reminder on how the best things are probably the most worst for you (as far as your well being goes). But you know, sometimes I just have to get over it, get over "her", get over myself, and "carpe diem".
Hah, "carpe diem", I'm not usually the one who lives by quotes (or at least I don't like to listen to them). I mean it kind of bothers me to live by someone else's words. Even if they are very true and... very true. I don't know, it feels like an itch that you can't scratch, I mean it bothers me but there's not much I can do about it only because it's all true. Maybe it's my way of trying to be myself I guess (or even trying to prevent something or something? eh...). On the other hand, I probably won't learn anything if I don't stay open minded and learn what I can by others. Cause' at the same time, I still believe everyone has something to contribute.
Contradictions Contradictions... I'll never win this game.
Oh yeah, more brilliant idea's below
Monday, January 19, 2009
Genius
You know sometimes commercials are so smart it just makes you want to go out and buy their product.
Oh and here's one from Ikea, the place I just hate so much. Don't let the blue and yellow color scheme deceive you. Cause' that's all it is, a scheme.
And the foreign ones are the best.
Okay so now to write something...
So today happens to be the last day of winter break. To review, I don't think I learned much, or did much at that matter. I just know I'm getting older and I'm turning 22 this year. That's all I really could think of....
Oh and here's one from Ikea, the place I just hate so much. Don't let the blue and yellow color scheme deceive you. Cause' that's all it is, a scheme.
And the foreign ones are the best.
Okay so now to write something...
So today happens to be the last day of winter break. To review, I don't think I learned much, or did much at that matter. I just know I'm getting older and I'm turning 22 this year. That's all I really could think of....
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Perseverance and Endurance
Hillsong United - Never Let Me Go
I always used to listen to this song in the library while I was studying inbetween classes. One of the rare times I was able to feel at peace.
I strayed away on purpose. I strayed away because I'm dying to know how far I can take everything I've learned and everything I've had with me. I wanted to know how much endurance I have. How strong my heart is and how long I can keep it close, no matter how far I get. I feel so distant now. What used to feel like a very close presence and warmth, now feels like a distant stretch. I feel cold most of the time and I don't feel that close anymore. Maybe I've strayed too far? Or maybe I've just gotten so far, the feeling of doubt and dispair are starting to become stronger?
But I've already gotten this far, I can keep going. There is nothing I can't handle as long as I keep God with me. I did say I wanted to see how far I could get.
I feel so alone though. I've ended up in a place where I'm not surrounded by the people who know just about everything I know or seen everything I've seen. I stick out and I feel out of place. I just want to know, if I can survive. Maybe even show others some of the things I've witnessed...maybe. I hope I do okay, I pray I get through this. I pray that I find my place outside of the world I know. And hopefully someday, I'll be able to find comfort and peace everywhere I go.
As long as I have God with me, I'll be fine.
I always used to listen to this song in the library while I was studying inbetween classes. One of the rare times I was able to feel at peace.
I strayed away on purpose. I strayed away because I'm dying to know how far I can take everything I've learned and everything I've had with me. I wanted to know how much endurance I have. How strong my heart is and how long I can keep it close, no matter how far I get. I feel so distant now. What used to feel like a very close presence and warmth, now feels like a distant stretch. I feel cold most of the time and I don't feel that close anymore. Maybe I've strayed too far? Or maybe I've just gotten so far, the feeling of doubt and dispair are starting to become stronger?
But I've already gotten this far, I can keep going. There is nothing I can't handle as long as I keep God with me. I did say I wanted to see how far I could get.
I feel so alone though. I've ended up in a place where I'm not surrounded by the people who know just about everything I know or seen everything I've seen. I stick out and I feel out of place. I just want to know, if I can survive. Maybe even show others some of the things I've witnessed...maybe. I hope I do okay, I pray I get through this. I pray that I find my place outside of the world I know. And hopefully someday, I'll be able to find comfort and peace everywhere I go.
As long as I have God with me, I'll be fine.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Murder
I wanted to write and that's probably the first word that came to mind. Why? I don't know I can be a bit morbid sometimes. It's also a popular gamer tag only spelled more retardedly featuring zeros and maybe an M that looks more like |V|. 'Cause you know, regular letters don't suit the most 1337 gamers of our days.
Damn, I did not just talk about that. I'm really trying to stray away from video games. It's really the one thing that consumes most of my free time. Why? Because I'm bored. During the semester I play video games to relieve stress. Other than that I never really said I enjoyed playing them. Well I do...to an extent. I guess when the use of video games becomes meaningless making my collection of computer games and my high powered computer become...well meaningless. Eh not really there's still the internet and the rest of the world.
So after my high-powered, face-melting, leveling-up. I've spent the last three days trying to investigate on the what's up with today's gadgets at the CES '09 show. I'm finally coming out with it, I'm a techie. Or a tech junkie if you will. I like little electronics that will be outdated in the next 2 months. I spent like the past three days looking up things like cell phones with projectors on them and a new enviornmentally friendly material called bioplastic which companies maybe implementing in our gadgets soon. I guess I just really like knowing how people can create such useful/useless things with these simple ideas or with practical needs in mind.
OooOo maybe someday I could be one of those people. Create something cool and useful for the masses. I'd name it M.A.R.V. the Multi Audible Radio Voice or Marking Air Reclaimation Vehicle. What would it do? I have no hell of an idea, it just made for a nice witty acronym based on the first 4 letters of my name. I don't know, I lack the skills to create cool gadgets for people to use. All the meanwhile having the skill to make a witty acronym.
I suck....haha
Damn, I did not just talk about that. I'm really trying to stray away from video games. It's really the one thing that consumes most of my free time. Why? Because I'm bored. During the semester I play video games to relieve stress. Other than that I never really said I enjoyed playing them. Well I do...to an extent. I guess when the use of video games becomes meaningless making my collection of computer games and my high powered computer become...well meaningless. Eh not really there's still the internet and the rest of the world.
So after my high-powered, face-melting, leveling-up. I've spent the last three days trying to investigate on the what's up with today's gadgets at the CES '09 show. I'm finally coming out with it, I'm a techie. Or a tech junkie if you will. I like little electronics that will be outdated in the next 2 months. I spent like the past three days looking up things like cell phones with projectors on them and a new enviornmentally friendly material called bioplastic which companies maybe implementing in our gadgets soon. I guess I just really like knowing how people can create such useful/useless things with these simple ideas or with practical needs in mind.
OooOo maybe someday I could be one of those people. Create something cool and useful for the masses. I'd name it M.A.R.V. the Multi Audible Radio Voice or Marking Air Reclaimation Vehicle. What would it do? I have no hell of an idea, it just made for a nice witty acronym based on the first 4 letters of my name. I don't know, I lack the skills to create cool gadgets for people to use. All the meanwhile having the skill to make a witty acronym.
I suck....haha
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Searching
Yes, searching for something to read. Not just anything however, more like something written by my peer's undergoing similar transitions in their lives. That's right, transitions into adulthood. Right now at this very moment I'm dreading the 2 week countdown i have until school starts again. All the meanwhile totally forgetting the fact that i'm at the "adult's age".
It's just the fact that things happen so fast. It makes it feel like you need 5 years to take a breath, but within those 5 years so many things happen. You just didn't take note because you were still taking that necessary breath. I wish I could just stop thinking for an hour and get away from absolutely everything and just relax. Who knew it would happen so quickly, but apparently my 2 friends have been dating for quite awhile, yet it feels like they've been dating for only a day.
I think one of my greatest fears is that one day I'll turn 40 and look back at my life only to say "What did I miss?". What a shame that would be. You know, on this blogging tool, I talked a lot about how much potential I have and aspiring to become better than who I was 10 minutes ago. While 10 minutes ago, I was thinking about how one of my most favorite hobbies was destroyed. It's the worst feeling in the world actually. It almost feels so hopeless when I think about it, and instead of saying "I can be better". I'm sitting here saying "I was one of the best". I always wondered what would happen if I still kept with it. If I really did stick with it for 11(or 12) years, I wonder how good I could be.... I should pick it up again.
---
On the other hand, I love how I'm a walking contradiction most of the time. And I'm not being sarcastic either. I love it, I love being able to see from both sides of every story. It give's me an advantage, helps me understand the other person as well as understanding my position in the situation. I also hate it though, I hate it because no one ever understands my point of view, or the way I see things.
To think of it, no one really knows how deep I could be.
I think I do it to myself though, I make myself hard to understand just to see if anyone's willing to dig deep enough to...understand. So in the end, I guess I'm just the one to blame for the giant misunderstanding of things. It's really my fault that I'm left with... myself and all the problems that come free with me. This is probably why I feel like I fail myself all the time.
With that said, I'll never really figure out how I deal with myself. Maybe I like being different and hard to understand. Maybe I'll get lucky enough to find someone who will dig that deep.
It's 2009, I think I'm gonna have to wait this one out.
It's just the fact that things happen so fast. It makes it feel like you need 5 years to take a breath, but within those 5 years so many things happen. You just didn't take note because you were still taking that necessary breath. I wish I could just stop thinking for an hour and get away from absolutely everything and just relax. Who knew it would happen so quickly, but apparently my 2 friends have been dating for quite awhile, yet it feels like they've been dating for only a day.
I think one of my greatest fears is that one day I'll turn 40 and look back at my life only to say "What did I miss?". What a shame that would be. You know, on this blogging tool, I talked a lot about how much potential I have and aspiring to become better than who I was 10 minutes ago. While 10 minutes ago, I was thinking about how one of my most favorite hobbies was destroyed. It's the worst feeling in the world actually. It almost feels so hopeless when I think about it, and instead of saying "I can be better". I'm sitting here saying "I was one of the best". I always wondered what would happen if I still kept with it. If I really did stick with it for 11(or 12) years, I wonder how good I could be.... I should pick it up again.
---
On the other hand, I love how I'm a walking contradiction most of the time. And I'm not being sarcastic either. I love it, I love being able to see from both sides of every story. It give's me an advantage, helps me understand the other person as well as understanding my position in the situation. I also hate it though, I hate it because no one ever understands my point of view, or the way I see things.
To think of it, no one really knows how deep I could be.
I think I do it to myself though, I make myself hard to understand just to see if anyone's willing to dig deep enough to...understand. So in the end, I guess I'm just the one to blame for the giant misunderstanding of things. It's really my fault that I'm left with... myself and all the problems that come free with me. This is probably why I feel like I fail myself all the time.
With that said, I'll never really figure out how I deal with myself. Maybe I like being different and hard to understand. Maybe I'll get lucky enough to find someone who will dig that deep.
It's 2009, I think I'm gonna have to wait this one out.
Friday, January 2, 2009
We Need a Resolution
By Aaliyah feat. Timbaland
That actually is one of my favorite songs.
But anyway, to be honest I haven't made a New Year's resolution in years. As far as the past goes I've known myself to break a lot of promises and through that experience I knew enough about myself to know that it's hard to guarantee something and keep to my promises to myself and whomever. That's why I rarely promise things and if I do, then that was pretty stupid of me or I am almost certain that I/you got this.
Aaliyah's cool... R.I.P. I miss her music.
So in the end, I'll just let you know, I don't intend on having a New Year's resolution. Life tends to have many trap doors anyway.
Onto 2009...
I feel like there has been so many doors opened to me in the close of last year. Pretty much all of my fall semester has been trying new things and finding my place in this world of strangers. Now I feel like Spring 2009 is the one that's really going to point me in the direction that starts the rest of my adult life. There's just too much going on for me and I know I can handle it as long as I got God with me. I can handle anything and if ever anything knocks me down, I'll make sure I step on that shit on my way back up. All because I got this and, like always, nothing will get in my way.
I don't know... Remember, Life's got it's surprises anyway. So I'm going to let it surprise me.
2009 feels like it's going to be fun.
That actually is one of my favorite songs.
But anyway, to be honest I haven't made a New Year's resolution in years. As far as the past goes I've known myself to break a lot of promises and through that experience I knew enough about myself to know that it's hard to guarantee something and keep to my promises to myself and whomever. That's why I rarely promise things and if I do, then that was pretty stupid of me or I am almost certain that I/you got this.
Aaliyah's cool... R.I.P. I miss her music.
So in the end, I'll just let you know, I don't intend on having a New Year's resolution. Life tends to have many trap doors anyway.
Onto 2009...
I feel like there has been so many doors opened to me in the close of last year. Pretty much all of my fall semester has been trying new things and finding my place in this world of strangers. Now I feel like Spring 2009 is the one that's really going to point me in the direction that starts the rest of my adult life. There's just too much going on for me and I know I can handle it as long as I got God with me. I can handle anything and if ever anything knocks me down, I'll make sure I step on that shit on my way back up. All because I got this and, like always, nothing will get in my way.
I don't know... Remember, Life's got it's surprises anyway. So I'm going to let it surprise me.
2009 feels like it's going to be fun.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
